We’ve all got one. It’s a fact. Most of us, rightly, are ashamed of them. The rugby friend.
He comes to the pub with you to watch an important match, often in a stupid rugby shirt not even made by a proper sports brand. Then, just as things are getting exciting, they start with the inane comments and the ridiculous questions. Here’s just a short list, feel free to add your own.
1. Why don’t they all just stand in the goal?
After one team goes a goal up, your friend pipes in with this gem. They ask smugly, why not? Because that would be the most ridiculous idea in the world, that’s why. All rugby players are essentially trained to be inanimate objects, such as walls, or boulders. Consequently they think that all sportsmen are built this way. Their brain therefore thinks that every footballer’s main talent is that they are solid and immovable, and that they could withstand a barrage of shots at them (and their testicles) for the remainder of the game.
2. Can they kick it up, catch it and stick it under their shirt and run into the goal?
This is when you start to wonder if you should really be friends with this individual. In football you aren’t allowed to cuddle your opponent onto the floor, and rugby players see this as a fundamental weakness of the sport, and that only their massive intellects could have thought up such a flawless plan to abuse this “loophole” where you can’t manhandle one-another. One word: Obstruction. Back to the drawing board. Muppet.
3. They wouldn’t beat a rugby player in a fight.
Well no, you’re probably right with that one. I would argue however that the ability to “win in a fight” counts for absolutely nothing. Would a lion beat a shark? Well it doesn’t matter does it, because they are never going to fight, and if they did what would be the point? A boxer would beat a rugby player or a footballer, but I don’t hear Ricky Hatton acting like a smart arse when he’s watching a match. Again this is accountable for by the rugby player’s emphasis on being large rather than possessing skill or technique.
4. They are all thugs.
Often directly following their previous claim that all rugby players could batter footballers. “And look at how they crowd the referee, disgusting, you’d never see a rugby player doing that.” No, respect for the referee is certainly better in rugby because of the brilliant video refereeing system. So I suppose your rugby friend is right then? Well, no. I’ve never seen a twenty man brawl in a football game that has resulted in perhaps 2 yellow cards. YELLOW cards. Nor have I seen a footballer get a yellow card for gauging at another player’s eyes, or the use of blood capsules for cheating. Ah rugby, a gentleman’s sport.
5. They get paid too much.
Actually, they get paid what a club deems them to be worth to the club, it’s a market economy, get used to it. The amounts of money do seem grotesque but if rugby was a bit more interesting and had a larger fan base than 8, maybe the players would be on similar wages, and don’t pretend you wouldn’t take them. I support the increase of rugby player’s wages because it means they could afford to sort their creepy ears out. I mean, these men are supposed to be professional athletes and they look like trolls.
This is just a short list with potential follow ups; please add your own inane, rugby-friend based idiocy by commenting below.
Read more from Matt Pottinger at inthestands
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October 15th, 2009 at 9:31 am
The following comment is satire so please don’t take it too seriously.
You think you guys in the UK have it hard with rugby? Here in North America there are two completely disparate sports. One is called football and the other is called association football (soccer). The difference? In football you use your hand. In ‘association’ football you use your foot. If you say the word “football” to anyone, they immediately think of the former.
I’ve asked close to 100 people why they call a sport where the main way of interfacing with the ball is to pick up it up, football. I have yet to receive an answer.
Why the moniker “association”…what does it mean? Who came up with this hare-brained idea of changing rugby rules and then calling it football? Is calling their sport the exact same name as the most popular sport in the world some sort of convoluted publicity stunt? Why don’t they fix it and all the other little things (like feet instead of metres and fahrenheit instead of celcius) that cause people to dislike America just a little bit? These are all questions that spring to mind. But they might as well be rhetoric, because the only answer you are ever going to get is “That’s just the way it is.”
Needless to say…I am in a state of constant disbelief about this. Sometimes I dream of becoming the POTUS (President Of The United States) just to standardize these things. I would say to the Americans, “Why don’t we try using standards everyone else is using for a change eh? Maaaaybe, just maybe, it would make things easier for everyone eh? Stop being arrogant sods ffs! Doing the basic things differently from everyone else doesn’t make you cool or unique or better, it just creates damn complications!” Maybe I would say that. Or maybe I would use my head and keep my gob shut.
On a more serious note, it’s a real pain. The most popular sport in the entire world and they don’t even bother to call it by its correct name. Instead they prefer to patronize sports that, to be honest, are mere pastimes in other countries. A very sad state of affairs. I distinctly remember an ESPN pundit saying that ’soccer’ was not a true sport and that tiger woods was a better athlete than roger ferderer, in the same breath. My issue here is that he wasn’t fired and didn’t burst into flames for speaking such sacrilege, in any other country he would have. However the few who have embraced “real football” have never looked back. That is promising. Salvation is still possible for many.
Sorry this is so long…I kept thinking of more things. XD
October 15th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I play rugby for a club and football recreationally. Rugby players require skill as well as footballers and I
have never heard any of my rugby friends say such retarded crap like that when watching football.
October 15th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
cheers for that Kuuku but your South African so of course your going to prefer rugby. The fact is that England are loads better than South Africa at football so we will prefer it and you are slightly better than us at rugby so you will prefer it.
Also, who cares what you call it??? in America they call NFL football and football soccer, does it matter???
October 15th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
lol
well, im an american, and yes its hard watching a soccer game with friends who are into NFL football because you constantly get stupid questions…although over the course of last year, a good number have developed a respect for it whereas before they bought into the ignorant anti-soccer sterotype.
i always kid with them, why the F would you call it football when you dont even use your feet? how bout…catchball! or tackleball!
actually, i think NFL football is called football moreso for the length of the ball (a foot)…well that’s a guess. Actually, gridiron football is an offshoot of rugby, and back in the day soccer and rugby were both referred to as football.
and i believe the term soccer was actually a term created by the english. Soccer is an abbreviation of sorts for Association, so i personally have no qualms calling assoc. football soccer. in fact i like the term…you english dudes need to get off my case for calling it soccer since it was your country that created the term lol
personally, and i think this is common for many americans, i have very little clue whats going on in rugby lol. looks like a fun sport (actually my brother used to play) but i think i still only have half the rules under my grasp…but i think mainstream america could get into rugby if it was just exposed to it. i see soccer on tv more and more, whereas before it was shown on tv rarely. i dont i have ever seen any rugby on american television….but i think if it got some exposure it could take off, since its a real physical game from the looks of it, and somewhat similar to NFL football. plus they dont wear pads!
just show some clips of the all blacks doing the haka lol
October 15th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
I am a rugby player and I have a few points I would like to share.
1. Respect for the referee in rugby is something that is seen though all levels of the game most of which has no TV coverage, it is something that is instilled in players from the very start so it is ridiculous to say that it is purely to do with the video refereeing system.
2. Yes some rugby players are big, that’s quite an obvious observation to make but also a big generalisation, there are quite a number of small rugby players for example: Peter Stringer, David Lemi, and Matt Giteau to name a few.
3. Finally to say that a rugby player’s emphasis is on being big rather than possessing skill or technique is a typical narrow minded view point that I have found is held by many footballers. Rugby is a game of extreme skill performed at high speed and during contact situations. While footballers seem to forget about the game as soon as they’re touched by the opposition and find it more interesting to plummet towards the floor probably moving faster than they have throughout the game previously!
Maybe to you should cast your mind back to a certain Adidas advert involving David Beckham and Jonny Wilkinson.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
i have more respect for a rugby player than an american football player
October 15th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
English have rugby friends.
Americans have NFL friends.
The Americans and English should team up and get rid of our ignorant sports friends.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:18 am
here in the states, American football players always scorn soccer as being a “gay” sport. Really? They say that diving make us gay. I’m sorry, but obviously they’ve never watched basketball.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:24 am
true that
October 17th, 2009 at 5:54 am
ahhhhh, im from australia, and when they call it kick and giggle or grass ballet, really grown men should be able to think of better calls, but they are rugby players after all. They place such enormous on theirs brains with these calls. tisk tisk.
October 17th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
hahaha, i think it doesn’t have to be rugby players. stupid questions & cynical comments could come from anyone who doesn’t have enough respect towards the world of sports.
remember those stupid questions that usually pops when we watched live matches with girls or children?
or maybe those rugby players just got hit in their head one too many times to respect other sports, i don’t know
October 18th, 2009 at 3:27 am
i also come from australia and have to put up with the nonsense of AFL which is what almost all australians call “football”.
just to make a point to ‘ill-d’ i have often used the claim of calling a sport where you use your hands FOOTball ridiculous however my friends argue with other sports such as tennis you don’t call it racketball or some nonsense like that. i could easily go on but i’m going to stop because i have homework to do lol
October 28th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
haha but to argue with your friends, i would say calling NFL football football is like calling soccer handball lol