Every amateur footballer knows, you’re only as good as your boots. Using this excuse, my poor footballing ability has had nothing to do with pre-match fast food binges, late night drinking sessions and absolutely no training.

It’s all about the boots. Can’t do more than five kick-ups? I need lace covers. Can’t head the ball? My boots aren’t light enough. Throwing up chips after fifteen minutes? The bright green plastic made me dizzy.  I still cannot understand why my boots don’t make me Lionel Messi or Steven Gerrard. What do they have that I don’t? Special shinpads?

Yes I both love and hate football boots, from the technological nonsense to the bizarre advertising campaigns, the player endorsements to the shiny, shiny colours.

So please allow me to share with you my world-weary p**s taking of a game that makes grown men cry like actors accepting awards, a game that takes precedence over Girlfriend’s birthdays and relative’s funerals. Basically, we’re all idiots, and let me tell you, in my own amateurish style, exactly why this is…

Read more by Matt Pottinger at inthestands featuring everything controversial, funny and downright ridiculous from the week’s football.