Cyclops Platini

Michel Platini was a brilliant player. He could do it all. Dribble past opponents, deliver 60 yard passes and score goals. What a shame that this footballing magician has turned in to a mediocre and one-eyed administrator. Euro 2008, he says, doesn’t miss England or the hordes that follow the team. Fine. No problem with that. But Platini, when he’s in the mood, and he was last weekend, just can’t resist a pop at the English and Premier League in particular when someone sticks a microphone under his nose. A league full of clubs, he says, whose goal is “not to win titles but to pay off debts.” Poppycock. (I would have written that in French but Babel Fish couldn’t handle it). Platini is probably still miffed that Manchester United and Chelsea reached the final of the Champions League, which he and Uefa handily arranged on the far side of Europe, and not the likes of Milan, Lyon, Porto or Real Madrid. The same Madrid who earlier this decade were in debt by over €150 million before, and what a stroke of luck this was, the local government decided to use over €200 million of local tax payers money to buy their training ground. And the same Madrid who are willing to splash out €80 million on Ronaldo who’s under contract at Old Trafford. Any word on their finances or business practices from Uefa’s President. None. Rien - good old Babel Fish, back up and running.

Vans goal

So was Ruud Van Nistelrooy offside when he slotted home Holland’s first goal against the Italians? All the TV pictures suggested that he was. But, according to the chairman of Austria’s refereeing commission Gerhard Kapl, it was a brilliant piece of officiating. Kapl said Van Nistelrooy was played onside by Italy’s Christian Panucci, who had been injured seconds earlier and was lying behind the goal when the Dutch striker scored. Kapl quotes rule 11.4.1 which says “an opposing player cannot be offside when one of the last two defenders has left the field of play.” What planet is this bloke on? This rule was introduced to stop players intentionally leaving the pitch to create an artificial offside situation. It certainly wasn’t designed to penalise a player who gets injured in the performance of his defensive duties. Of course, if the goal had been referred to a TV official, he might have had the time to weigh up the situation, see that Panucci was genuinely injured and in no way making a deliberate attempt to gain an advantage. There’s a fair chance he would have disallowed it. So if France, after their woeful display against Romania, happen to go out of the competition on goal difference, perhaps Uefa boss Michel Platini (wow, is he copping it this week) might well consider reversing his indefensible decision to scrap the introduction of goal line technology.

Creaking Croats

Were you watching Steve McClaren? Well, as it happens he was. The former England coach is at Euro 2008 summarising for BBC Radio 5 Live. What on earth must he have been thinking as Austria really took the game to the Croats after conceding an early goal. Croatia were very lucky to hang on against the likes of Standfest, Aufhauser , Harnik and Linz. No, never heard of them either. Fabio Capello watched the game from the stands too. Whilst I hope he’s formulating a plan to beat Croatia in the 2010 World Cup qualifiers, you wouldn’t be at all surprised if his thought process went along the lines of “How on earth did the likes of Gerrard, Cole, Rooney and Ferdinand fail to beat this lot?”

Arrested fans

157 people were arrested before and after the group match between Germany and Poland in Klagenfurt. None of those detained were English. Just thought I’d point that out.

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Blatter’s maths

Fifa President Sepp Blatter maintains that his 6 + 5 plan with regards to foreign players will increase the quality of national teams. He uses England’s failure to qualify for Euro 2008 as his leading argument. True, other countries that have qualified for the tournament such as Spain, Italy and Germany do have a higher percentage of home born players in their ranks. But, are there any guarantees that the plan will work? Of course not. Perhaps the biggest surprise surrounding this latest Blatter brainwave is that 6 + 5 does actually equal 11. Given some of his other mad cap schemes it wouldn’t have come as too much of a shock for him to have come up with a 6 + 6 + 1 + 1 scheme. That’s 6 men, 6 women, 1 ‘undecided’ to keep the PC brigade on side and 1 compulsory player from Trinidad & Tobago to appease Jack Warner.

Ciao Jose

No longer is it ‘the special one’. Now it’s ‘quello speciale’. Jose Mourinho has, as expected, been named as the new coach of Italian champions Inter Milan. He replaces Roberto Mancini who departed the club after leading them to the league title for the past three seasons. The club’s hierarchy, it’s said, was unconvinced that Mancini could replicate the club’s domestic form on the European stage. And, having not won the Champions League / European Cup since the mid 60’s it’s a fair concern. Despite the millions he spent at Chelsea, Mourinho never got the London club to the final. If he guides Inter to European football’s show piece club occasion then perhaps the title of ‘quello speciale’ will at last be truly warranted.

Fergie and the Beeb

In an exclusive interview with Sky Sports, Manchester United boss explains his on going feud with the BBC is no nearer being settled because the corporation has refused to apologise for upsetting him many years ago. He also accuses presenter Gary Lineker of being childish. For a man who’s achieved so much in the game and in life, I can’t help thinking that he’d earn even more respect if he got over his anger and started to appear in front of the BBC microphone again. It works both ways you see. For example, every time Ferguson has been found guilty and fined for overly criticising a referee, has he issued a public apology? It’s what he’s demanding that the BBC do. Perhaps he ought to be reminded that to err is human, to forgive is divine. And at the end of the day, all he’s doing is denying United fans the opportunity to hear his views on an accredited channel. All a bit silly really.

Avram Grant was denied the biggest prize in European football by the width of a post. Not just once, but on three occasions as Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard and John Terry all hit the woodwork either from open play or the penalty spot.

Not only did the Israeli get the London club to the final of the Champions League, something that ‘the special one’ never achieved, but he out thought Sir Alex Ferguson in the second half as Chelsea pretty much dominated Manchester United up until extra time.

And his reward? The sack. Eight months into a four year contract, Grant is the Chelsea coach no more.

Chelsea say that his record isn’t good enough. Runners up in the Premier League, Carling Cup and Champions League represents failure in the eyes of chief executive Peter Kenyon, chairman Bruce Buck and ultimately, so we must believe, owner Roman Abramovich.

So, what did he do wrong? Well, he didn’t win anything for a start. Mind you, neither did Arsene Wenger at Arsenal and there’s no chance of him being handed a P45. Grant was also accused of presiding over a team that didn’t play entertaining football. Well again, looking across London, Arsenal were by far the most attractive team in the Premier League and how many trophies did they win this season? Exactly the same number as Chelsea.

It could be argued that Grant was in a no win situation the moment his took over. Jose Mourinho had delivered two Premier League titles, was loved by the fans, the players and the media. Grant wasn’t. Indeed, some of the carping by the high profile names in the team may well have done for him whatever he achieved this term. The same high profile names that he hugged and commiserated with in the pouring rain in Moscow. I wonder how they’re feeling right now? Hopefully, less than proud with themselves.

The media had it in for him too. Mourinho was a delight for them. Loud, brash, always quotable, always interesting. A journo’s dream. Grant was quiet, even dour at times. And yet, despite constant questions over his future virtually from day one, he showed the football word that some people can behave with dignity and tact.

As for the Chelsea hierarchy, they could be accused of being the architects of their own downfall. Grant had never managed a club in England before and didn’t even have the necessary coaching qualifications. And yet, they gave him a four year contract. Four years! And that’s cost them a reported £5.2 million in compensation. This is just rank bad financial management. OK, Abramovich won’t worry about it too much, it’s only a couple of quid to him but the sheer scale of the financial waste at Chelsea is staggering. Somehow, you can’t see companies such as M & S or ICI making the same kind of decisions. The shareholders would go ballistic.

And so as Grant makes way, the search for a successor starts. Amazingly, two of the names already being bandied about are Frank Rijkaard (complete failure at Barcelona last season) and Sven Goran Eriksson (another coach who looks like being given his marching orders soon by a club owner with an over inflated sense of his own footballing expertise).

Although it looks as if he might be on his way out as well, best give the job to Steve Clarke in my opinion. He knows the club, knows the players, loves the fans and the fans love him. And money wise, he’d probably do it for substantially less than some of the bigger names in world football. Chelsea promoted from within last time and through no fault of Avram Grant, they just happened to pick the wrong bloke.

Back from his part time job of operating the ‘big screen’ in Manchester for the Uefa Cup final, Andy Kay returns with another Oh Kay special.

Diving

Manchester United’s Nemanja Vidic has opened up the ‘Didier Drogba diving’ argument again ahead of the Champions League final against Chelsea in Moscow.

Brave words indeed from the defender bearing in mind that it was only a couple of season’s ago that the efforts of his team mate Cristiano Ronaldo (brilliant though he’s been this term) to stay on two legs resembled that of Bambi on a stag night. So, on the whole diving subject, lets answer a few questions.

Does Drogba dive all the time? No

Does he dive some of the time? Yes. But then again, so does virtually every professional when given the opportunity.

Why does Fifa insist on calling it simulation? It’s cheating.

Why do football pundits stick up for these players by explaining that they go to ground because there was ‘contact’? Don’t you actually have to be fouled to win a penalty? I bumped in to my 3 year old son the other day and he didn’t fall over. Instead, he head butted me in the meat and two veg. Not an ideal response on a football pitch I grant you, but you get the point.

How can the game eradicate this gamesmanship? An automatic red card and three match ban should do the job.

Will the authorities do something about it? Well, by their own words they might simulate a response but it won’t be anything of note. Sadly, diving is here to stay.

Dowie

As a QPR fan, it’s hard not to be excited about the prospects for next season. Co-owners Flavio Briatore and Bernie Ecclestone have already started splashing the cash and a place in the Premier League looks a real possibility. However, their choice of manager is a strange one. Luigi de Canio took the club from the bottom reaches of the Championship when appointed in October last year and guided them to 14th place in the table, 14 points off the play off’s. His replacement, Iain Dowie, has impressed at times since he started coaching but has he really got what it takes? Of his former clubs he left Crystal Palace by mutual consent, was sacked by Charlton Athletic after just 15 games and was released from his contract by Coventry City. It’s not exactly a stellar CV is it?

Quotes

And so with another Premier League season in the bag, it’s time to look back at some of the best quotes from 2007 / 2008. Here are my top three.

“It was the fifth minute of their usual seven minutes of injury time.”

The pot calling the kettle black as Sir Alex gets upset following a late Arsenal equaliser against Aston Villa.

“Even the chef’s been out for two weeks with a hernia.”

West Ham boss Alan Curbishley is understandably upset by his team’s injury woes.

“You probably think I’m Kenny Sansom!”

Chubby funster Matt Lucas, star of TV’s Little Britain, on meeting Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger who admitted he’d never seen the show.

Having just completed his ‘does anyone miss Ian Wright on the BBC at all’ survey, Andy Kay is back with Oh Kay and a look back on the 2007 / 2008 Premier League season. Derby fans should look away now, a bit like your defence did for the entire campaign.

The right team won the Premier League title, no question.

Most number of points, most goals scored, least goals conceded, outstanding player of the season in Ronaldo and the massive tactical nouse of Sir Alex Ferguson on the touchline. Fittingly, it was Ryan Giggs who lifted the trophy on the day he equalled Bobby Charlton’s 758 game appearance record for the club. What a servant he’s been.

Chelsea though should be congratulated for making the run in exciting and taking it to the final day. Their problems though were encapsulated in the 90 minutes against Bolton. A game they know they should have won, but didn’t. Just like the match a few weeks earlier against Wigan. Although they have the Champions League final to look forward to, they must be thinking ‘what if?

So too Arsene Wenger and Arsenal. His team, so full of fire and vigour for much of the season, were undone by their young legs that couldn’t quite handle the run in. Plenty of encouraging signs for next year though.

As for Liverpool, they continue to frustrate in terms of consistency but they have bought a gem in Fernando Torres. Off the pitch though they need to sort themselves out and quick. A disaster of a sideshow involving the Dubai International capital (DIC) and rowing co-owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett must be resolved in the close season.

But, and here’s the rub, even though it was the closest title race for years, it was in essence just another tear up between the big four. How sustainable, you could ask, is the Premier League as a product if, at the beginning of the season, is a 100% certainty that the Champions will always come from the same quartet?

Everton, for instance, the team in fifth, finished a whopping 22 points behind United, and 11 behind Liverpool in fourth. Portsmouth, Aston Villa, Blackburn, Spurs and Manchester City, apart from their final day debacle all did OK, but never more than that. Oh for some team to step up to the plate and offer us a little bit of variety.

At the other end of the table, Derby aside, the race to avoid the drop was as intense as ever.

Reading and Birmingham City both recorded 4 goal victories on the final day but to no avail with Roy Hodgson guiding his Fulham team to an astonishing escape by winning three consecutive Premier League away matches in succession, a feat never before achieved by the London club. The return to fitness of Jimmy Bullard was key to their survival but owner Mohamed Al Fayed knows he’ll need to dip in to his personal fortune if Fulham are to avoid the relegation dog fight next term.

As for the others, congratulations should go to Manchester United old boys Roy Keane and Steve Bruce for keeping Sunderland and Wigan up and Gareth Southgate should also enjoy his summer hols after securing safety for Middlesbrough and ending the season with that extraordinary 8 - 1 humping of Manchester City.

And what of City? A ninth place finish might be good enough for some owners but not it seems Thaksin Shinawatra who looks set to ditch Sven Goran Eriksson. The Swede though is still leading the club on their tour of Asia and will meet his boss this week sometime. City, like Arsenal, enjoyed a fantastic start to the campaign with Sven’s new signings all doing the business. But despite their historic double over United, their first since about 1834 BC, they too, both as a team and individually, tailed off badly and ended up in a shambolic state at the Riverside.

So what can we expect for next season? The champions (please see above), the Uefa Cup places to be fought out by the likes of Everton, Portsmouth, Villa and Spurs and as for relegation, probably 2 out of the 3 new boys and A.N. Other. Sound familiar?

There will be surprises though. The new Manchester City manager will be named as Pitak Silprasit, currently head coach of the Port Authrority of Thailand football club, Tony Mowbary and Avram Grant will be seen smiling on the same day, Tom Hicks and George Gillett will settle their differences with a drag race through the streets of Toxteth and the FA will realise that their demand that Fabio Capello takes England to semi final in a major competition means that they’ve paid the guy millions of pounds to win one more match than Sven. Roll on August.

Having begun his 2 week mule train trek to Moscow for the Champions League final (all the flights were full of Uefa officials, marketing men and the bloke who’s got the CD with that bloody pre-match music on it) Andy Kay stops off in Cologne to file his latest Oh Kay column.

Russian Rules

It’s often been said that they make the rules up as they go along in Russia. Not that Zenit St Petersburg will mind too much. Having qualified for the Uefa Cup final, the Russian Football Federation has postponed their scheduled league games ahead of the final, leaving them the best part of 2 weeks to prepare. Contrast that with the fortunes of fellow finalist’s Rangers. The quadruple chasing Scots have to play twice ahead of the game (tomorrow and Saturday) having previously played a league game only 2 days ago. After the final, it’s another 3 league games and the Scottish Cup final all in the space on 8 days. Talk about penalising success.

Brucey Bonus

How many points have Birmingham secured in the Premier League since Steve Bruce left the club? 21. And how many points has he taken as manager of Wigan? 32. Are Birmingham going down? Probably. Are Wigan staying up? Definitely. How much did Wigan pay Birmingham for Bruce in compo? £3 million. How much better off will they be remaining in the top flight? £30 million at least. Carlsberg don’t do managerial transfers, but if they did, they’d probably be the best managerial transfers in the world.

Curbing Enthusiasm

Alan Curbishley’s comments that it would be totally unjust if Manchester United didn’t win the league were doubtless honest and heartfelt but poorly timed, coming as they did just a few days before United met West Ham at Old Trafford. The fact that the Hammers were dire on the day too (they lost the 2nd half 1-0 against 10 men) will only have added to the conspiracy theorists. Perhaps it would be best if managers concentrated on their own teams instead of eulogising about others, particularly if you’re going to get thumped 4 - 1. Justifying his comments, Curbishley said that his team would use the game to show the world what they could do. And now we know. Lose badly.

Holloway Blues

Whilst Pymouth fans will still be sniggering about the fate of former boss Ian Hollway, it’s hard not to feel some sympathy for the Leicester manager who saw his team slide in to the 3rd tier of English football for the first time in their history. It was probably an even harder pill to swallow seeing as their relegation was confirmed after a 0 - 0 draw at Stoke City, a club with similar resources, who now find themselves in the Premier League. It’s worth remembering that Holloway was the Foxes 4th permanent boss this season and probably deserves a chance to get them back in the Championship at the first attempt. Whether club chairman Milan Mandaric will give him the opportunity remains to be seen. If not, Holloway could always start a new career offering a programme notes writing service for other managers. In this regard he’s unmatched in the UK.

Fresh from a run in with his gardener when warming down after completing his latest Oh Kay column, Andy Kay demands the CCTV footage before letting fly.

Alex and Carlos

Anyone else surprised by the comments of Sir Alex Ferguson and Carlos Queiroz after Manchester United’s defeat at Chelsea on Saturday? No, thought not. It was all the officials fault you see. No mention of course of the ultra cautious United line up or the fact that the club’s leading scorer started on the bench. Oh no. Quieroz claimed that for United to get a penalty, one of their players would have to be shot. Strange that. I don’t remember any Barca players brandishing a Smith & Wesson or sub-machine gun at the Nou Camp last week. And in that game, United got a penalty in the second minute. As it happens, Ronaldo was only mugged by Ballack at the Bridge, but tussles like that, particularly at corner kicks, are 10 a penny in any game. As for Chelsea’s winning spot kick, Sir Alex would have us believe that Michael Carrick “couldn’t get out of the road.” If that’s the case, he must have the reactions of a geriatric tortoise on Valium as he was a good 10 yards away from the ball when it was crossed. The truth of their demise lies closer to home. Defensive team selection, poor first half display.

Fighting relegation

In the two Heineken Cup semi finals at the weekend, both the underdogs, London Irish and Saracens punched well above their weight before being undone by Toulouse and Munster respectively. In the Premier League, even more can be said of Birmingham, Fulham, Reading and Bolton. All of them had tricky games but none of them folded. Indeed, none of them got beaten. The relegation dog fight has been extended for another week at least. Painful for their supporters but great, if not slightly morbid entertainment for the rest of us.

Mansfield attack

A man has been arrested after the owner of Mansfield Town was attacked following his side’s defeat in a crucial League Two relegation match against Rotherham. Police confirmed they were called to the club’s boardroom just before 5pm on Saturday after an alleged attack on Keith Haslam. He suffered minor head injuries and was released from a local hospital following treatment. A 45-year-old local man was arrested on suspicion of assault. He’s probably basing his defence on the fact that he’s the only bloke from Mansfield who got any shots on target the entire afternoon.

Moscow mugging

You know when an event has serious problems when the UK’s top football writers take a collective pop at it. And that’s the case surrounding the Champions League final. The brilliant Martin Samuels of The Times is the latest journo to take umbrage with the chosen venue of European football’s showpiece club game. Why? Well, here are a few reasons for a start.

1) The names of all fans attending the game must be made known to Uefa within 48 hours of the completion of the semi finals. A logistical nightmare.

2) All travelling fans must have a visa. These will have to be processed, along with travel and accommodation details, in just 9 working days. And if Manchester United prevail to make it an all British final, that’s 43,000 visa applications going through one embassy. Get the overtime payments ready comrade.

3) Standard chain hotels are charging up to £5000 for a 3 night stay.

4) The city has only 35,000 hotel rooms and a cost-of-living survey has rated it the most expensive in the world two years running.

5) As all direct flights are full, the best way now of getting to the game involves a 15 hour train journey and 2 days of travelling each way.

Moscow, of course, follows Athens and Istanbul as recent CL final venues, the capital city of countries that have provided how many finalists in the last 52 years? One.

Andy Kay dons his Avram Grant face mask, gets all grumpy and has another moan in Oh Kay.

Wright move

So Ian Wright no longer wants to work at the BBC as a football pundit. The former Arsenal striker claims that his role wasn’t that of an expert but more of a ‘comedy jester’. Bit harsh on comedy jesters if you ask me. Wright never had much to say of any gravitas and what he did spout forth was usually patriotic but excitable drivel delivered with sparing use of the English language. The truth is that with the BBC losing the rights to live England games and the FA Cup to ITV, Wright wasn’t going to get any work anyway. He wasn’t even part of the team covering Euro 2008. He’ll be much more at home presenting his new show ‘Gladiators’ on Sky One. Wright says he wants to connect with his audience. Bearing in mind that anyone watching such utter tosh is bound to brain dead, looks like he’ll get his wish.

Scottish (sweet) FA

Officials at the Scottish FA more than lived up to their initials last week when the Celtic player Gary Caldwell found out he was banned for the weekend match against Aberdeen after watching Sky Sports News. Caldwell was involved in a flare up with David Weir of Rangers after the Old Firm derby the previous Wednesday. The referee said he was reporting the players for violent conduct. Trouble is, no-one from the SFA bothered to tell the club. A spokesman said “The onus is on the club to get in contact with the SFA and not the other way round, because you can imagine if it was our job to phone around all the clubs in Scotland, it would be a huge task.” Amazingly, if you check out the Scottish FA’s web site, it announces that they have no vacancies. Perhaps there might be one - someone to explain to them what an ‘email’ is, or indeed to suggest that they could replace the ‘vacancies’ section with a list of banned players. With just 42 Senior League clubs, 57 if you count the Highland League, that should take all of about 5 minutes a week.

Do what Gary?

Needing all the help he can get at the wrong end of the Premier League, Gary Megson called on Rafa Benitez to “protect the integrity of the Premier League with his squad selection” ahead of the game at Fulham. Benitez didn’t listen of course and his team with 8 changes, ahead of the CL tie with Chelsea, was still good enough to win. The interesting thing here is Megson’s choice of words Protect the integrity of the competition!! You mean, just like he did in the Uefa Cup when he named a team of second stringers and no hopers to face Sporting Lisbon because he had an important league match against Wigan a few days later?

Johnno

We don’t normally feature egg chasers on Footy Boots but the appointment of Martin Johnson as England head honcho merits a few lines. Notwithstanding the shabby treatment of Brian Ashton (no £2 million McClaren type pay out for him) Johnson is most rugby fans choice for the gig. He has no experience but he’s a winner and players and supporters like winners. However, he won’t be with the team when they tour New Zealand this summer. Johnno wants to stay at home as Mrs J is expecting. Admittedly, there were complications when she last gave birth but, just imagine for a moment, that after the FA had appointed Fabio Capello, they announced that he wouldn’t be available for England’s first two World Cup qualifying games due to family reasons. There’d have been uproar. Brian Barwick would never have had to buy firewood again due to the amount of stick that would have come his way. Not the RFU’s greatest hour.

In this week’s Oh Kay, our correspondent Andy Kay hits the target as surely as Tal Ben-Haim’s boot did with Petr Cech’s face.

Anthem

The Welsh minister for sport, Rhodri Glyn Thomas (no, I’ve never heard of him either) is the latest politician climbing on to the back of sport trying to garner some reflected glory. Mr Thomas wants Land of My fathers to be played alongside God Save The Queen at the FA Cup final when Cardiff City meet Portsmouth. Personally, I don’t think it should happen. Whilst the two teams might come from different sides of the Severn Bridge, it’s the English FA Cup Final. However, if the FA decides to run with the idea, perhaps there ought to be a reciprocal agreement? How about, as building sites, offices and the Welsh Assembly open for business in the Principality, that God Save The Queen is played at 9am every Monday morning bearing in mind that it’s money from the English Exchequer that funds 90% of the place.

Arsenal

So Arsenal are out of the Premier League title race following their 2 - 1 defeat at Manchester United. Arsene Wenger though should be proud of the way his team performed, not only at Old Trafford but also at Anfield in midweek. OK, match officials may have cost them, certainly in Europe, but as far as a conspiracy is concerned, as Wenger suggested on Sunday, it just doesn’t hold water. The facts are that wonderfully entertaining though they’ve been, the Gunners failed to turn draws in to wins and when the going really got tough, Wenger must have realised that his squad just wasn’t big enough to cope. He may be upset at a number of refereeing decisions across the season but it was his decision not to sign anyone in the January transfer window which is probably the telling factor behind their demise.

Liverpool Board. We are.

Just what is going on at Anfield? The plot is so ridiculous it would have been rejected by the script writers down the road at Hollyoaks. The two owners have fallen out, one wants Rick Parry to resign as chief executive, Jurgen Klinsmann’s been approached (allegedly) to take over from Rafael Benitez and the DIC is still waiting in the wings to buy the club. That said, have you noticed how fantastically well Liverpool have been playing of late? Benitez is no mug and while he says he and the team are fully focussed on football, there’s no-one better at using ’siege mentality’ to his advantage. It’s said that the boardroom battle might not be settled until after the season has finished. The manager might just like that.

Nicknames

Can someone please tell a number of TV commentators, particularly Andy Gray, that players on the pitch should be addressed with their proper names. For example, Steven Gerrard is Steven Gerrard and John Terry is John Terry. They are not Stevie G or JT. Steve McClaren got hammered for being too close to the players and so should the men behind the microphones. I can’t see Jeremy Paxman welcoming the Prime Minister to Newsnight with the opening gambit “Evening Gordo.” Whilst Gray and his ilk may well know the players personally, the vast majority of the TV audience do not and it’s us who they are talking to not their mates in the studio.

Unlike Everton’s Yakubu against Derby County, Andy Kay fires home from 6 yards in another OhKay ! special.

Romance of the Cup

For years now, the pundits and experts have been banging on about how the FA Cup has lost its romance, becoming far too predictable and dominated by the big four. This season’s competition has certainly been very different with some outstanding performances from lower league teams. And now we know that the final on 17th May will be between Portsmouth and Cardiff. Well that should keep them happy. Tons of romance there. And, with apologies to Pompey and Barnsley fans, about as much glamour as Wayne Rooney dancing Swan Lake in the all together.

Too much Gray

Do you think Sky Sports are trying too hard to get the best out of Andy Gray? The other day on ‘The Last Word’ Gray spent nearly 5 minutes explaining how Liverpool scored their goal in the Merseyside derby against Everton. As well as giving us the benefit of his views on the subject, Gray illustrated his lecture (for that is what is was) with computer graphics, arrows, circles, slow motion, super slow motion, cuddly toys, the lot. Now, here’s my 10 second version of the above;

Richard Keys: So Andy, how did Liverpool score?

Andy Kay: Well Richard, Yakubu had the ball on the edge of his own area and instead of laying it off down the left, he turned back in side, got robbed, and Kuyt fed Torres who scored. Er, that’s it. Fancy a cuppa?

Ladies day

After seeing some of the outfits on display at Aintree last week, isn’t about time that the Premier League followed the lead of some of this country’s great race tracks and introduced a Ladies Day during the season. All the girls could get dressed up in highly inappropriate gear, drink a bit of bubbly before kick off and spout forth about that bloke’s ‘lovely legs’ whilst the players, single ones we assume, although these days you never know, could have a good old gander to see which ones have got WAG potential. Not sure it would improve the football on offer but if it’s a dull game, at least we fans will have other stuff to look at.

David DIY Bentley

Congratulations should go to Blackburn and England midfielder David Bentley who, according to the Daily Mail, bucks the trend of the modern day player when it comes to working round the house. Bentley, it appears, is something of a DIY enthusiast and told the paper “I’ve been taking up tiles and knocking down walls, mending the potholes on my drive. I’ve got a strict DIY 24-hour ban before a match because it tires you out.” Perhaps the Mail should enquire as to whether Derby manager Paul Jewell has a squad of DIY’ers at Pride Park. It might explain a great deal.

More celebrated than the Johnstone’s Paint trophy, Andy Kay takes aim with another Oh Kay broadside.

Attacking Keegan

A lot has been written about Kevin Keegan since he returned to take up the reins at Newcastle United. Not very much of it has been positive and we’ve even had a couple of digs at the guy on Footy Boots. But you have to admire his spirit by naming a side to play Spurs at the weekend which included Mark Viduka, Michael Owen and Obefami Martins. After securing the first win of his new tenure against Fulham 8 days earlier, you might have expected him to play safe at WHL. Not a bit of it. Keegan just doesn’t do dull. Instead, he sends out a team with more attacking intent than a charging bull elephant and watches them battle back from a goal behind to score 4 times in the Premier League for the first time in about 2 years. He may not be the greatest tactician in the game but when things go right, he doesn’t half know how to entertain.

Downward Derby

You have to congratulate the marketing bods at Pride Park. Derby County may have become the first team in the history of the Premier League to have been relegated in March, but click on to the club’s website and you’ll find your chance to buy 2008 / 09 season tickets under the banner ‘The Journey Starts Now’. It certainly does - to the likes of Preston, Sheffield and Cardiff.

Beckham cooked

After winning his 100th cap against France last week, David Beckham jetted back to the USA to turn out for LA Galaxy against the Colorado Rapids in the MLS. Beckham’s team were hammered 4 - nil with the architect of their demise, a former Manchester United player called Terry Cooke. Remember him? No, thought not. Cooke came through the Old Trafford academy but only played 8 games for the club before embarking on a career with Sunderland, Birmingham City, Wrexham, Manchester City, Wigan Athletic, Sheffield Wednesday, Grimsby Town and Wednesday again before signing for Colorado in 2005. Good to know that Becks is still testing himself against the best.

Washing up offside

A near disaster in the Kay household was averted at the weekend when, after a dinner party, my wife suggested that I should wash up as I was “standing near the sink.” Indeed I was, but as I explained in relation to the washing up offside law, this meant diddly squat. True, I was adjacent to the dirty plates and the scrubbing brush but as I was drinking a large vodka, this in fact meant that my position was ‘passive’ and could in no way be construed with ‘interfering with the crockery’. Instead, as she had approached the kitchen from a northerly direction, was the last person to use the Fairy Liquid and had rested the rubber gloves over the cold rather than the hot tap I argued that it was she who was liable for all washing up duties for the foreseeable future. A full explanation of the washing up offside law is available from this column, just address your letters to Oh Kay, c/o Mr S. Blatter, Fifa, Zurich.

If you are of a nervous disposition, Welsh or French, this week’s Oh Kay column might be one to avoid. L’enfant terrible Andy Kay is back on the warpath.

Naughty, naughty

England boss Fabio Capello says he’s squarely behind the FA’s ‘respect the referee’ initiative after watching the fun and games following Ashley Cole’s tackle on Alan Hutton in the Chelsea v Spurs game last week. Cole, at least, has had the good sense to apologise for both the tackle and his attitude towards referee Mike Riley. More and more Premier League players seem to be treating the man in black as an annoyance, rather like a large bluebottle buzzing around the family car on the M1, as opposed to the guy in charge. I fear it’s too late for current league players, and although the FA’s move is a welcome one, it doesn’t go far enough. Starting at junior level, one bit of lip to the ref, and the player, and his team, should be marched back 10 metres just as they practice in rugby union. Even more important is to include the raucous parents who scream obscenities from the touchline. Perhaps their enthusiasm to question a referee’s parentage might be somewhat tamed if little Johnny gets a 3 match ban as a result.

Cameras on Cardiff

I’ve got absolutely nothing against Cardiff City but here’s a little scenario for you. It’s the 89th minute of the FA Cup semi final and City’s match against Barnsley is level a 1 - 1. The Yorkshire side make the last attack of the game and a cross from Brian Howard is headed goalwards by substitute Jonathan Macken. The goalkeeper is beaten but a City defender, rushing towards his own line, manages to hook the ball clear. Or does he? Barnsley’s players claim the goal and start celebrating, their dream of an FA Cup final appearance now seemingly a reality. TV pictures prove that in fact, the ball didn’t cross the line but after consulting his assistant, the referee awards Barnsley the goal and blows the whistle for full time. I wonder then if the nonentities that make up the Welsh FA will still be happy with their inexplicable and cowardly decision to suck up to Fifa and oppose goal line technology?

Nosey Michel

Talking of which, one of the architects of the Fifa and Uefa U-turn on goal line technology was Michel Platini. He may have been a glorious player in his day but currently, he shows all the executive skills of a small vole with learning problems. And he just can’t keep his nose out of the British game, criticising this and having a pop at that. Perhaps Monsieur Platini should look closer to home if he wants to effect change. Consider these facts. Eight games in his native France on Saturday produced crowds of 160,000. Eight games in the Premier League on the same day were watched by 243,000 fans….and that’s with none of the big 4 in action. Perhaps that’s the problem. The only reason Platini feels the need to take issue with the game in England is that he realises that no-one gives a flying fig for Ligue 1.

Champion Channel

With ITV retaining the rights to show Champions League football on a Wednesday night, us UK football fans will be assured of some consistency. That being while Arsenal or Chelsea may be away to a top Italian side looking to hang on to a one goal advantage, good old ITV will be showing Manchester United at home to a rubbish French team who they’ve already beaten 16 - nil in the away leg. Got to keep the locals happy….in Surrey!

Much to the annoyance of media referee’s, Andy Kay goes in with all studs showing in another hard hitting OhKay! column.

Ramos blind spot?

What is it about the water in North London? Ask Arsene Wenger to comment on a contentious incident concerning one of his players and the Frenchman will nearly always state that ‘he didn’t see it’. Now it seems his opposite number at Spurs has been similarly affected. After substituting Robbie Keane during the defeat to Manchester City, the Irishman cursed his way to the touchline as was less than respectful when handed his tracksuit. Ramos claimed that all this passed him by. But you can bet your bottom dollar that the Tottenham boss was all too aware of what went on. Keane might well have a hangover this week not directly related to St Patricks day.

Holloway rant

The Leicester boss Ian Holloway has apologised to fans who may have heard him fire off a few expletives to a supporter who gave the Foxes manager a verbal blast during the nil - nil draw with Bristol City. Holloway wears his heart on his sleeve and being in charge of a struggling team it’s perhaps understandable that he let rip when being called an idiot from the stands. As it happens, most of the home supporters agreed with him and told the abusive fan to sit down and belt up. And following their impressive 4 - 1 win away to promotion chasing West Brom this past weekend, I wonder who feels the bigger idiot now?

Spanish must take action

What have Juande Ramos and the Athletic Bilbao goalkeeper Armando got in common? Answer, they’ve both been injured by bottles thrown by supporters at Real Betis. Ramos, then the manager of Sevilla, was knocked out last season during a Kings Cup game at the Manuel Ruiz de Lopera stadium. The match was abandoned and the remaining 33 minutes were played at another ground. Betis were also handed a 3 match stadium ban. But that punishment doesn’t seem to have the desired effect after Armando was injured in a similar fashion this weekend. Although the perpetrator was immediately held and will be prevented from watching Betis again, the Spanish FA must take action. If stadium bans don’t work, then they should hit the clubs where it hurts most - in the points column. Let’s see if they, like a few undesirable fans, have the bottle.

Best gig of the week

Surely this prize must go to Fabio Capello’s assistant Franco Baldini who undertook a 10,000 mile round trip to assess the form of David Beckham who played all 90 minutes of a charity game for LA Galaxy against FC Dallas. What did Baldini learn? Not much probably. But he did wonders for his Air Miles balance.

Another week and another about turn from the man in charge of global football and massive rant from Sir Alex. Andy Kay lights the blue touch paper and retreats to a safe distance.

Blatter nonsense

How much does Sepp Blatter cost Fifa in travel expenses? Probably quite a lot bearing in mind they have to fly him down to earth from the planet Tharg or wherever it is he inhabits when not at his Zurich office. This week the man who has previously suggested that women players wear tighter shorts and that reckless tackles result in lifetime bans for the players responsible has come out with another bewildering U-turn. Not that long ago, Blatter was all in favour of Great Britain entering men’s and women’s teams for the 2012 Olympics for which they qualify as hosts. So advanced were negotiations that Lord Sebastian Coe had apparently approached Sir Alex Ferguson to manage the men’s side. Now, he’s totally changed his position saying that the four Home Nations risk losing their individual status if they try and move forward with the idea. Perhaps the atmosphere in deep space does funny things to the brain, provided of course, you’ve got one to begin with.

Bus Howler

Sitting on a bus after finishing a commentary stint at a major sports event on Saturday, I was keen to find out who had won the two FA Cup quarter finals that day. As luck would have it, the next person who jumped on board was a British journalist from a national newspaper. He informed me that Barnsley had beaten Chelsea and that Portsmouth had dumped out Manchester United. He also added that Scotland had won the Calcutta Cup against England. The bus was full of sports fans and other commentators who upon hearing the news, burst out laughing and called the poor man every name under the sun. Whoops!

Colour blind Fergie

Having subsequently watched the game between Manchester United and Portsmouth, I wonder if Sepp Blatter’s travel costs might not be as high as I first thought bearing in mind that he probably shares some form of extra-planetary craft with Sir Alex. The reason for United’s loss to Pompey, the great man explained to us, was that referee Martin Atkinson “didn’t do his job properly.” Ah, that explains it then. The fact that United battered Portsmouth for the entire game and missed a hatful of chances obviously doesn’t enter in to it. To be honest, they could have upped sticks and played the match in a dodgy part of Amsterdam and Fergie’s men would still have struggled to score. Atkinson might not have had the best game in history but in terms of not doing jobs properly, Sir Alex could have mentioned half a dozen blokes in red as well as the man in black.

Chatting to the Beeb

So delighted was he at Portsmouth’s victory at Old Trafford that Harry Redknapp ended his self imposed exile from the BBC interview area and spoke to the corporation for the first time in a long time. Not so Fergie who continued to wash his hands of the FA Cup rights holders and once again sent out his number 2 to face the music. This all stems from a 2004 BBC 3 documentary which wasn’t very complimentary about the transfer dealings of his Jason. Amazing isn’t it that he’s held a grudge for 4 years against BBC Sport who had nothing to do with the programme? Bearing in mind the millions of pounds they’ve paid to cover live FA Cup matches, not to mention Premier League highlights, isn’t it even more extraordinary that the Football Association and Richard Scudamore haven’t instructed Ferguson to grow up, stop acting like a 5 year old child and start towing the line. What’s he going to do if, during the next home game, the opposition are winning with a few minutes to go? Run on the pitch saying “it’s my ball and you can’t play with it anymore?” It’s about time that Ferguson, being a Knight of the realm, started to act like one.