Hansen sense

Thank goodness for Alan Hansen. The former Liverpool defender turned BBC pundit has made use of two of his favourite words, grit and determination, and urged Fifa to ban the current offside law. He says no-one in the Western World understands it and that the law itself is in utter chaos. Despite this, and a couple of examples of correct but seemingly baffling offside decisions at Euro 2008, the Premier League’s Head of Refs, Keith Hackett, says everything is fine and it’s the TV pundits who are causing the problems by not understanding the rules. Hackett alleges that the key area of confusion is currently determined by the PIG criteria – if a player doesn’t Play, Interfere or Gain (an advantage) he is fine.  Mr Hackett needs to get out more. The initials he quotes do play a part in the offside law, but only because Fifa have made a PIG’s ear of it. It exists only because people like Mr Hackett are happy to follow the party line and back them on it.

Generous Keegan

Many of us will have a view on Kevin Keegan’s abilities as a top flight manager, but as a human being, it’s hard to find fault with him. Not many of his colleagues would have been  prepared to give Joey Barton yet another chance but Keegan is backing the troubled midfielder to turn his life around. Barton, who was released from prison yesterday after serving just over 2 months of a 6 month sentence for assault and affray should thank his lucky stars he has a boss like Keegan, be the first in and last out of training everyday, give up the booze, lose his undesirable friends and find a few worthwhile causes to back with his £50,000 a week salary. Then he might be deserving of the opportunity Keegan has given him.

No fans

Even after his idea was laughed out of court by virtually everyone in authority within the game, The Premier League’s Chief Executive Peter Scudamore insists that his plans for a 39th international round of PL matches are far from dead. This, you may remember, is the absurd idea for England’s clubs to pack their bags during the season, jet off to all parts of the world and do battle for league points. Scudamore insists that he’s confident such a scheme will work due to the pulling power of the Premier League. Perhaps he should take a look at how many fans Chelsea attracted in their friendly against Chengdu in football mad Macau the other day. Mind you, he’ll have to look closely as the figure was a paltry 5,000. If ever an idea was dead in the water, it’s this one. Move on Peter.

Luton Down

Luton Town have been given the OK to start the new League Two season after the club’s new owners, LTFC 2020, accepted the deal offered to them by the Football league last month. And what a deal it is. LTFC 2020 will be allowed to remove the club from administration, providing they pay creditors 16p in the pound, and the club will start off at minus 30 points. I’ll run that past you again. Minus 30 points.  To put that in perspective, Mansfield and Wrexham were relegated from League Two last season despite amassing 42 and 40 points respectively. Chester City survived on 47 points. So, using that as a template, Luton will have to show the form of a Top Six club merely to stay up. Perhaps they could better use their time searching on their Sat Nav’s for the likes of Kidderminster, Histon and Northwich as they’re the type of teams they’ll be up against in 2008 / 2009. The Blue Square Premier beckons.

Naughty United

The sheer level of hypocrisy in football reached staggering new heights this week when Manchester United made it clear that it was their intention to lure Tottenham striker Dimitar Berbatov to Old Trafford. For weeks now there’s been much wailing and gnashing of teeth from United officials over Real Madrid’s pursuit of Cristiano Ronaldo. United have described the Spanish club’s behaviour as unprofessional (at best) and underhand (at worst). And they’ve even handed in a written complaint to Fifa. So what, you may ask, is the difference between Madrid’s desire to land Ronaldo and United’s efforts to sign Berbatov? Well, not much. Just as Ronaldo is under contract to United so is the Bulgarian striker to Tottenham. Spurs chairman Daniel Levy, though hardly whiter than white himself particularly when it comes to replacing managers, is about as cross as a primary school teacher who’s just seen one of her pupils take a leak in the Lego box. He says he’s told United that Berbatov isn’t for sale and yet Sir Alex Ferguson says he expects the deal to be concluded soon. Levy described Ferguson’s actions as “Probably one of the worst offences by any manager in the Premier League to date and is unbelievably hypocritical given his recent comments in respect of Cristiano Ronaldo and Real Madrid.” We can therefore only wonder how Spurs will go about things if they do eventually sell Berbatov and then meet with resistance from other clubs when they attempt to replace him.

All seeing Fabio

Fabio Capello made an appearance at London store Harvey Nicholls last week to promote a range of spectacles. Before the event got underway, the attending journalists were told that they couldn’t ask the England manager any questions about sport, his private life or politics. It must have been a fascinating evening then for all those who made the effort to go along. Tell me Fabio, are you a titanium frame man or more of a traditionalist? A single vision supporter or fan of bifocals? Wow, I’m excited. In fact I’m off to buy the latest copy of Spectacles Monthly I’m that enthused.

Pele advice

If a man who is generally acknowledged at the best footballer of all time offers you a touch of advice, you’d be a fool not to listen. That’s why Wayne Rooney must take heed of Pele’s words following Manchester United’s pre-season friendly against Kaiser Chiefs. Rooney’s temper, borne out of frustration, got the better of him again and he was replaced with 20 minutes to go after lashing out at one defender then scything down another, a challenge that earned him a booking. Pele says he believes Rooney’s temperament is hampering his development. Good point when you think that in an England shirt, the United forward hasn’t come anywhere near reproducing his form of Euro 2004. There’s been the occasional flash of brilliance but nothing like the game turning displays he was famous for as a precocious 19 year old. Perhaps Wayne should persuade Colleen that a spot of shopping in Sao Paulo is in order so he can pop in and see the great man for a quick chat.

Really injured?

With the new season just a few weeks away I’m sure we are all equally excited about seeing the myriad of new ways that professional footballers can throw themselves to the floor and roll about in agony claiming that they’ve just been a victim of GBH, ABH and wounding with intent. A look across to the world of golf will show what can be achieved injured or not. Tiger Woods prevailed in the US Open despite hobbling around for 4 days with a dicky knee (which later required surgery) while Irishman Padraig Harrington successfully defended his Open title even though his preparations had been badly affected by an injured wrist. You see boys, it is possible.

Where’s Carlos?

You have to wonder how Sir Alex Ferguson and Manchester United are feeling after the departure of Carlos Queiroz who’s taken over as the new coach of Portugal. Slightly let down you would have thought. Mind you, it can’t have come as too much of a surprise as the guy has a bit of previous when it comes to leaving United in the lurch. Five years ago, the lure of Real Madrid proved too much to turn down and Queiroz went to the Spanish giants, lasting only one hugely disappointing season before returning to Manchester in his old ‘number 2’ role. Four years on, and he’s off again. In fact, the Portuguese job is the 11th he’s had since his professional coaching career started in 1990. 11 jobs in 18 years? That either makes him not overly loyal or not overly good. You decide.

Fowler Trial

New Blackburn Rovers boss Paul Ince is apparently offering his former Liverpool colleague Robbie Fowler a trial at Ewood Park. Not sure about you but the word trial when used in conjunction with a 33 year old just doesn’t see right somehow. A trial is what you give a 15 year old kid or an unknown foreigner who rocks up at your club with a letter from his agent informing you that he’s the best thing since Pele. I think we can safely assume that a man who is the fourth highest scorer in Premier League history knows where the goal is. The only thing Fowler has to prove is that he retains the level of fitness required to play at the very top level. So why not call it exactly that – a fitness test and get on with it.

Slave? Idiots!

Being a slave equates to being forcibly removed from your friends and loved ones, being transported around the world in the cruellest of conditions, being treated with unspeakable barbarism and often being killed for little or no reason. It does not equate to being paid huge sums of money, swanning around in a £100,000 motor car, living in a big house and having millions of devoted fans. Sepp Blatter and Cristiano Ronaldo have both shown their total ignorance of history with their fatuous remarks of the past few days. They should both be ashamed.

Growing Michel

From the emails and comments I’ve received, it’s clear that many of you have clocked that I’m not a great fan of Uefa boss Michel Platini. Great footballer, yes. Great administrator, no. Annoyingly, for me anyway, despite scouring the sports pages and numerous web sites, I’ve been unable to find anything that he’s said or done this week to complain about. So instead, I’ll leave you with this question. Do you think that Michel eats at the same burger bar as Ronaldinho these days?

Cheapo Gareth

How much are Liverpool prepared to pay to land the signature of Gareth Barry? If you listen to the reports coming out of Villa Park, the answer is not too much by all accounts. Liverpool have so far not come close enough to Villa’s valuation and indeed, their opening bid was so far off the pace that it was met by ridicule and fury by Villa officials. It’s since been upped to around £15 million, though that’s still less than Manchester United paid for Michael Carrick and Owen Hargreaves who Villa consider to be Barry’s equals, and in Carrick’s case, his England understudy. But Liverpool might have a problem. And it’s the expectation their manager Rafael Benitez has created in the transfer world by the price he’s put on some of his current players. He’s been quoted that £15 million, wouldn’t be unreasonable for Peter Crouch (though he’s likely to be off to Portsmouth for a bit less). That’s the same Peter Crouch that warmed the Liverpool bench for much of last season. And the same Peter Crouch who only seems to play for England when others aren’t fit. If he’s worth £15 million, then England and Villa regular Barry, using Benitez’s own logic, must be worth more.

Quiet Arsenal

Still on the transfer front, is anyone else surprised by the lack of activity at the Emirates Stadium? You’d have thought that manager Arsene Wenger would have wanted to build on their promising but largely developmental season of 2007 / 08. Instead, he’s been strangely inactive. True, Cardiff’s Aaron Ramsey has joined the club and they are still in talks with French international Samir Nasri but with Alaxander Hleb keen to depart for Barcelona, Mathieu Flamini already in situ with AC Milan and Jens Lehmann back in Germany, it’s really a case of 2 in, 3 out. Is that going to be enough to make the up the 4 points they finished behind Manchester United last season? Answers on a post card please.

New balls please

If you want to know how technology could be best employed in football, I hope you were watching the men’s singles final at Wimbledon. That’s right, stuffy, old fashioned, stuck in their ways Wimbledon. Not any more. Whenever Nadal or Federer challenged a line call, it was announced by the umpire, ‘Hawkeye’ ran the computer simulation and the answer was there on screen for all to see. And normally in around 10 seconds or less. Michel Platini says that won’t work in football and he’d rather use two additional assistant referees to decide if a ball has crossed the goal line. I’m thinking about dropping Platini an email on this subject, but that could be a waste of time as he’s probably still powering his organisation by candle light. Perhaps methane might be a better bet bearing in mind how much c**p comes out of his Uefa office.

Top Table Rick

Congratulations must go to Liverpool chief executive Rick Parry and his opposite number at Chelsea, Peter Kenyon, who’ve both been elected to the board of the newly formed European Club Association. The ECA has been established to replace the now defunct G14 and says it will tackle the games pressing issues over the next 2 years. Oh really? These great men will be discussing financial pressures on small, lower league clubs will they? Dodgy transfer deals, bungs, fixed games on the continent and inflated ticket prices? No, of course they wont. What they mean by ‘pressing issues’ are pressing to them. This football quango is sadly rather like its political equivalent, the G8 - the leaders of which enjoyed an 8 course dinner last night before discussing the world food crisis.

Big Payers

There may be a credit crunch on but that hasn’t stopped Setanta Sport from splashing out a record amount to secure live broadcast rights for the Scottish Premier League. The TV company has paid out a whopping £125 million for a four year deal, taking them up to 2014. It’s the biggest ever TV deal in Scottish football history and dwarfs the present contract, worth a paltry £54.5m. You have to say well done to the SPL for securing such a sensational agreement and at the same time, wonder why Setanta are willing to pay out such a ridiculous amount of money, particularly in the current financial climate, for a 2 horse race.

TV Neville

Manchester United’s Gary Neville may not have given up on his playing career just yet but at 33 and having missed almost the whole of last season with injury, it’s going to be hard for the England full back to force his way back in to proceedings at Old Trafford. However, Neville can at least rest easy that another career is beckoning after his performances as a studio pundit with ITV at Euro 2008. Neville was a breath of fresh air – telling it like it was, opinionated, forceful and pretty erudite too. Over on the other side, Alan Hansen did his normal trick of churning out his stock sentences  to suit whatever game he was watching (grit and determination being the most used), Alan Shearer was no where near as bad as too many media reports would have you believe and Martin O’Neill, when not away with the fairies, was his usual interesting but slightly barmy self. Neville though probably made the biggest impact of the ‘sofa boys’ and a long career in front of the cameras awaits.

England

Let’s agree that Euro 2008 was one of England’s finest hours. Nearly 3 weeks of football and not one goal conceded, not one player booked or sent off, no dodgy headlines involving dentist chairs or WAGS and no crowd trouble. Way to Fabio, way to go.

How Low can you go

Talking of finest hours, you have to hand it to the German coach Joachim Low for getting his side so far in the competition. They were average in the group stages where they even suffered defeat at the hands of Croatia, admittedly had a purple patch against Portugal in the quarter finals and then struggled to overcome a makeshift Turkey side missing half a dozen regulars in the last four. But the fact is that Germany always do enough to give themselves a chance and with players who, man for man, would struggle to break in to other international outfits. Interestingly, many pundits have named their ‘Team of the Tournament’ over the past few days and Michael Ballack is about the only German player who merits a mention. Perhaps Herr Low motivated his charges by promising them a few of his tight fitting, hand made white shirts that he modelled with such style on the touchline. Whatever it was, he should bottle it and sell it, perhaps to a few higher paid but lesser successful coaches.

Best team

Interesting thing about the four quarter finals at Euro 2008. With the exception of Spain, all three teams that rested their best players for their final group game got beaten in the last eight. Portugal waltzed through their group but were undone by new tournament favourites Germany. Croatia must have thought they were on their way after a group win over the Germans but reckoned without the come back powers of Turkey while Holland, who were magnificent in the group stages, were simply outplayed by Russia who progressed to the semis after extra time. All of the above lends a lot to the argument that you should play your best team all the time. No exceptions.

Spain on the spot

Congratulations have to go to Cesc Fabregas as he put an end to Spain’s appalling run of penalty shoot out defeats at major championships. The always seemingly underachieving Spaniards lost out on pens in the quarter finals of the World Cups of 1986 and 2002 and at Euro 96. Astonishingly, all 3 of those losses came on June 22nd, the same day as their game against Italy in Vienna. Perhaps that’s why the Italians seemed intent on playing for spot kicks from the first minute of a desperately disappointing match, ending up with exactly what they deserved. Zilch.

My mistake

Referee’s rarely hold up their hands and admit mistakes but hats off to Lubos Michel who did the unthinkable the other day and gave a player a rare reprieve. As the clock ticked close to injury time in the Holland v Russia game, referee Michel gave Russian defender Denis Kolodin his marching orders after he picked up a second yellow for fouling Wesley Sjneider. But before the cards were back in his pocket, he raced over to assistant who confirmed that Sneijder had previously failed to keep the ball in play and therefore, the foul, and subsequest booking, should be overlooked. Without turning a hair, Michel awarded Russia a goal kick, rescinded the yellow card and allowed Kolodin to stay on the pitch. The entire episode took a matter of seconds and based on the assistant referee’s viewpoint, the correct decision was taken and common sense prevailed. No surprise then that Uefa has overlookd Michel for the final and given it to Roberto Rosetti ? without doubt, the best performing Italian by a mile at the competition, players and managers included.

Blue Scolari

No sooner had the dust settled on Portugal’s quarter final defeat by Germany before the Portuguese authorities laid the blame at Chelsea’s door for announcing that Luiz Felipe Scolari would be the new manager at Stamford Bridge whilst Big Phil’s national team was still involved in the tournament. To be fair to FPF chief Gilberto Madail, he’s got a point, the timing stank. But it’s hard to see how it could have affected Scolari’s ability to do his job properly. In fact, he should be thanking Chelsea for taking Scolari off his hands as his record at major championships has been on a downwards spiral since he won the World Cup with Brazil. Over the past 4 years, he’s taken Portugal to the final of Euro 2004 (which they lost) the semi finals of the 2006 World Cup (which they lost) and now the quarter finals of Euro 2008 (I take it you’ve caught on by now). Chelsea to lose in the 3rd round of the League Cup to (insert name of lowly ranked League One side here) anyone?

Rules shambles

It’s been over a week but I still can’t get over the Ruud van Nistelrooy goal for Holland against Italy. I’ve recovered from girlfriends leaving me quicker than this. Yes, I know Uefa has wheeled out expert after expert to say the goal was legitimate but it’s the criteria they’ve used which has caused me to scratch my head even more. To any proper fan, like you and me, van Nistelrooy was offside plain and simple. Uefa say he wasn’t, as Christian Panucci was playing him onside despite being on his backside, injured and off the pitch. The trouble with this argument is, quite simply, where do you draw the line? Using Uefa’s own explanation surely Russia’s goal against Greece should not have counted as Sergei Semak committed the same ‘crime’ as Panucci. After hooking the ball back in to the 6 yard box, Semak slid off the pitch (without the referees permission) before Konstatin Zyryanov stroked the ball home. If the rules say that a prone defender is active, surely an attacker, who’s just delivered a scoring pass, is equally active. And if he is, the officials should have chalked off the goal. Sadly, an organisation such as Uefa, who can ban Porto from the Champions League for cheating one week then review their decision a few days later, are unlikely to put much store on common sense and ditch such a rule. No doubt they’ll continue to play by the book, no matter how ridiculous it has become.

Rules 2

There was a great day of live international rugby union on the TV on Saturday, then later, some more examples of text book rugby tackles at Euro 2008 ? invariably before the taking of any corner. For years now, the penalty box melee before a corner is delivered more resembles a WWE ring than part of a football pitch. You half expect The Undertaker to walk on at any point and ‘tombstone’ the nearest attacker. So it must have been galling for the Poles to see referee Howard Webb point to the spot after a bit of over zealous grappling in the closing stages of their game against Austria. Webb was quite correct to award the spot kick as Mariusz Lewandowski was definitely holding Sebastian Prodl. But there must be a few dozen similar instances in every game that go unpunished. Coaches and players want consistency from officials. At Euro 2008, all they are getting is consistent inconsistency.

Rules 3

And there’s more. Players, we are told almost weekly by the likes of Andy Gray, can legitimately go to ground in the box if there’s ‘contact’ by a defender. That being the case, it’s hard to see how referee Peter Vink failed to award a penalty when Swedish defender Johan Elmander barged in to the back of Spain’s David Silva like a raging bull elephant after one too many cans of Irn Bru. That wasn’t just contact, it was closer to a mugging.

Phew!

Does anyone else have a sneaky feeling that it might have been quite a good thing that England didn’t make it to Austria and Switzerland? We’d have suffered weeks of hype and tons of expectation and then ‘our boys’ would have come up against the likes of Portugal, Holland and Spain. I’m as patriotic as they come but I can’t help feeling that the likes of Rio, JT and Wazza would have fared little better than the England side of 1988. Three games, three defeats.

Cyclops Platini

Michel Platini was a brilliant player. He could do it all. Dribble past opponents, deliver 60 yard passes and score goals. What a shame that this footballing magician has turned in to a mediocre and one-eyed administrator. Euro 2008, he says, doesn’t miss England or the hordes that follow the team. Fine. No problem with that. But Platini, when he’s in the mood, and he was last weekend, just can’t resist a pop at the English and Premier League in particular when someone sticks a microphone under his nose. A league full of clubs, he says, whose goal is “not to win titles but to pay off debts.” Poppycock. (I would have written that in French but Babel Fish couldn’t handle it). Platini is probably still miffed that Manchester United and Chelsea reached the final of the Champions League, which he and Uefa handily arranged on the far side of Europe, and not the likes of Milan, Lyon, Porto or Real Madrid. The same Madrid who earlier this decade were in debt by over €150 million before, and what a stroke of luck this was, the local government decided to use over €200 million of local tax payers money to buy their training ground. And the same Madrid who are willing to splash out €80 million on Ronaldo who’s under contract at Old Trafford. Any word on their finances or business practices from Uefa’s President. None. Rien - good old Babel Fish, back up and running.

Vans goal

So was Ruud Van Nistelrooy offside when he slotted home Holland’s first goal against the Italians? All the TV pictures suggested that he was. But, according to the chairman of Austria’s refereeing commission Gerhard Kapl, it was a brilliant piece of officiating. Kapl said Van Nistelrooy was played onside by Italy’s Christian Panucci, who had been injured seconds earlier and was lying behind the goal when the Dutch striker scored. Kapl quotes rule 11.4.1 which says “an opposing player cannot be offside when one of the last two defenders has left the field of play.” What planet is this bloke on? This rule was introduced to stop players intentionally leaving the pitch to create an artificial offside situation. It certainly wasn’t designed to penalise a player who gets injured in the performance of his defensive duties. Of course, if the goal had been referred to a TV official, he might have had the time to weigh up the situation, see that Panucci was genuinely injured and in no way making a deliberate attempt to gain an advantage. There’s a fair chance he would have disallowed it. So if France, after their woeful display against Romania, happen to go out of the competition on goal difference, perhaps Uefa boss Michel Platini (wow, is he copping it this week) might well consider reversing his indefensible decision to scrap the introduction of goal line technology.

Creaking Croats

Were you watching Steve McClaren? Well, as it happens he was. The former England coach is at Euro 2008 summarising for BBC Radio 5 Live. What on earth must he have been thinking as Austria really took the game to the Croats after conceding an early goal. Croatia were very lucky to hang on against the likes of Standfest, Aufhauser , Harnik and Linz. No, never heard of them either. Fabio Capello watched the game from the stands too. Whilst I hope he’s formulating a plan to beat Croatia in the 2010 World Cup qualifiers, you wouldn’t be at all surprised if his thought process went along the lines of “How on earth did the likes of Gerrard, Cole, Rooney and Ferdinand fail to beat this lot?”

Arrested fans

157 people were arrested before and after the group match between Germany and Poland in Klagenfurt. None of those detained were English. Just thought I’d point that out.

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Blatter’s maths

Fifa President Sepp Blatter maintains that his 6 + 5 plan with regards to foreign players will increase the quality of national teams. He uses England’s failure to qualify for Euro 2008 as his leading argument. True, other countries that have qualified for the tournament such as Spain, Italy and Germany do have a higher percentage of home born players in their ranks. But, are there any guarantees that the plan will work? Of course not. Perhaps the biggest surprise surrounding this latest Blatter brainwave is that 6 + 5 does actually equal 11. Given some of his other mad cap schemes it wouldn’t have come as too much of a shock for him to have come up with a 6 + 6 + 1 + 1 scheme. That’s 6 men, 6 women, 1 ‘undecided’ to keep the PC brigade on side and 1 compulsory player from Trinidad & Tobago to appease Jack Warner.

Ciao Jose

No longer is it ‘the special one’. Now it’s ‘quello speciale’. Jose Mourinho has, as expected, been named as the new coach of Italian champions Inter Milan. He replaces Roberto Mancini who departed the club after leading them to the league title for the past three seasons. The club’s hierarchy, it’s said, was unconvinced that Mancini could replicate the club’s domestic form on the European stage. And, having not won the Champions League / European Cup since the mid 60’s it’s a fair concern. Despite the millions he spent at Chelsea, Mourinho never got the London club to the final. If he guides Inter to European football’s show piece club occasion then perhaps the title of ‘quello speciale’ will at last be truly warranted.

Fergie and the Beeb

In an exclusive interview with Sky Sports, Manchester United boss explains his on going feud with the BBC is no nearer being settled because the corporation has refused to apologise for upsetting him many years ago. He also accuses presenter Gary Lineker of being childish. For a man who’s achieved so much in the game and in life, I can’t help thinking that he’d earn even more respect if he got over his anger and started to appear in front of the BBC microphone again. It works both ways you see. For example, every time Ferguson has been found guilty and fined for overly criticising a referee, has he issued a public apology? It’s what he’s demanding that the BBC do. Perhaps he ought to be reminded that to err is human, to forgive is divine. And at the end of the day, all he’s doing is denying United fans the opportunity to hear his views on an accredited channel. All a bit silly really.

Avram Grant was denied the biggest prize in European football by the width of a post. Not just once, but on three occasions as Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard and John Terry all hit the woodwork either from open play or the penalty spot.

Not only did the Israeli get the London club to the final of the Champions League, something that ‘the special one’ never achieved, but he out thought Sir Alex Ferguson in the second half as Chelsea pretty much dominated Manchester United up until extra time.

And his reward? The sack. Eight months into a four year contract, Grant is the Chelsea coach no more.

Chelsea say that his record isn’t good enough. Runners up in the Premier League, Carling Cup and Champions League represents failure in the eyes of chief executive Peter Kenyon, chairman Bruce Buck and ultimately, so we must believe, owner Roman Abramovich.

So, what did he do wrong? Well, he didn’t win anything for a start. Mind you, neither did Arsene Wenger at Arsenal and there’s no chance of him being handed a P45. Grant was also accused of presiding over a team that didn’t play entertaining football. Well again, looking across London, Arsenal were by far the most attractive team in the Premier League and how many trophies did they win this season? Exactly the same number as Chelsea.

It could be argued that Grant was in a no win situation the moment his took over. Jose Mourinho had delivered two Premier League titles, was loved by the fans, the players and the media. Grant wasn’t. Indeed, some of the carping by the high profile names in the team may well have done for him whatever he achieved this term. The same high profile names that he hugged and commiserated with in the pouring rain in Moscow. I wonder how they’re feeling right now? Hopefully, less than proud with themselves.

The media had it in for him too. Mourinho was a delight for them. Loud, brash, always quotable, always interesting. A journo’s dream. Grant was quiet, even dour at times. And yet, despite constant questions over his future virtually from day one, he showed the football word that some people can behave with dignity and tact.

As for the Chelsea hierarchy, they could be accused of being the architects of their own downfall. Grant had never managed a club in England before and didn’t even have the necessary coaching qualifications. And yet, they gave him a four year contract. Four years! And that’s cost them a reported £5.2 million in compensation. This is just rank bad financial management. OK, Abramovich won’t worry about it too much, it’s only a couple of quid to him but the sheer scale of the financial waste at Chelsea is staggering. Somehow, you can’t see companies such as M & S or ICI making the same kind of decisions. The shareholders would go ballistic.

And so as Grant makes way, the search for a successor starts. Amazingly, two of the names already being bandied about are Frank Rijkaard (complete failure at Barcelona last season) and Sven Goran Eriksson (another coach who looks like being given his marching orders soon by a club owner with an over inflated sense of his own footballing expertise).

Although it looks as if he might be on his way out as well, best give the job to Steve Clarke in my opinion. He knows the club, knows the players, loves the fans and the fans love him. And money wise, he’d probably do it for substantially less than some of the bigger names in world football. Chelsea promoted from within last time and through no fault of Avram Grant, they just happened to pick the wrong bloke.

Back from his part time job of operating the ‘big screen’ in Manchester for the Uefa Cup final, Andy Kay returns with another Oh Kay special.

Diving

Manchester United’s Nemanja Vidic has opened up the ‘Didier Drogba diving’ argument again ahead of the Champions League final against Chelsea in Moscow.

Brave words indeed from the defender bearing in mind that it was only a couple of season’s ago that the efforts of his team mate Cristiano Ronaldo (brilliant though he’s been this term) to stay on two legs resembled that of Bambi on a stag night. So, on the whole diving subject, lets answer a few questions.

Does Drogba dive all the time? No

Does he dive some of the time? Yes. But then again, so does virtually every professional when given the opportunity.

Why does Fifa insist on calling it simulation? It’s cheating.

Why do football pundits stick up for these players by explaining that they go to ground because there was ‘contact’? Don’t you actually have to be fouled to win a penalty? I bumped in to my 3 year old son the other day and he didn’t fall over. Instead, he head butted me in the meat and two veg. Not an ideal response on a football pitch I grant you, but you get the point.

How can the game eradicate this gamesmanship? An automatic red card and three match ban should do the job.

Will the authorities do something about it? Well, by their own words they might simulate a response but it won’t be anything of note. Sadly, diving is here to stay.

Dowie

As a QPR fan, it’s hard not to be excited about the prospects for next season. Co-owners Flavio Briatore and Bernie Ecclestone have already started splashing the cash and a place in the Premier League looks a real possibility. However, their choice of manager is a strange one. Luigi de Canio took the club from the bottom reaches of the Championship when appointed in October last year and guided them to 14th place in the table, 14 points off the play off’s. His replacement, Iain Dowie, has impressed at times since he started coaching but has he really got what it takes? Of his former clubs he left Crystal Palace by mutual consent, was sacked by Charlton Athletic after just 15 games and was released from his contract by Coventry City. It’s not exactly a stellar CV is it?

Quotes

And so with another Premier League season in the bag, it’s time to look back at some of the best quotes from 2007 / 2008. Here are my top three.

“It was the fifth minute of their usual seven minutes of injury time.”

The pot calling the kettle black as Sir Alex gets upset following a late Arsenal equaliser against Aston Villa.

“Even the chef’s been out for two weeks with a hernia.”

West Ham boss Alan Curbishley is understandably upset by his team’s injury woes.

“You probably think I’m Kenny Sansom!”

Chubby funster Matt Lucas, star of TV’s Little Britain, on meeting Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger who admitted he’d never seen the show.

Having just completed his ‘does anyone miss Ian Wright on the BBC at all’ survey, Andy Kay is back with Oh Kay and a look back on the 2007 / 2008 Premier League season. Derby fans should look away now, a bit like your defence did for the entire campaign.

The right team won the Premier League title, no question.

Most number of points, most goals scored, least goals conceded, outstanding player of the season in Ronaldo and the massive tactical nouse of Sir Alex Ferguson on the touchline. Fittingly, it was Ryan Giggs who lifted the trophy on the day he equalled Bobby Charlton’s 758 game appearance record for the club. What a servant he’s been.

Chelsea though should be congratulated for making the run in exciting and taking it to the final day. Their problems though were encapsulated in the 90 minutes against Bolton. A game they know they should have won, but didn’t. Just like the match a few weeks earlier against Wigan. Although they have the Champions League final to look forward to, they must be thinking ‘what if?

So too Arsene Wenger and Arsenal. His team, so full of fire and vigour for much of the season, were undone by their young legs that couldn’t quite handle the run in. Plenty of encouraging signs for next year though.

As for Liverpool, they continue to frustrate in terms of consistency but they have bought a gem in Fernando Torres. Off the pitch though they need to sort themselves out and quick. A disaster of a sideshow involving the Dubai International capital (DIC) and rowing co-owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett must be resolved in the close season.

But, and here’s the rub, even though it was the closest title race for years, it was in essence just another tear up between the big four. How sustainable, you could ask, is the Premier League as a product if, at the beginning of the season, is a 100% certainty that the Champions will always come from the same quartet?

Everton, for instance, the team in fifth, finished a whopping 22 points behind United, and 11 behind Liverpool in fourth. Portsmouth, Aston Villa, Blackburn, Spurs and Manchester City, apart from their final day debacle all did OK, but never more than that. Oh for some team to step up to the plate and offer us a little bit of variety.

At the other end of the table, Derby aside, the race to avoid the drop was as intense as ever.

Reading and Birmingham City both recorded 4 goal victories on the final day but to no avail with Roy Hodgson guiding his Fulham team to an astonishing escape by winning three consecutive Premier League away matches in succession, a feat never before achieved by the London club. The return to fitness of Jimmy Bullard was key to their survival but owner Mohamed Al Fayed knows he’ll need to dip in to his personal fortune if Fulham are to avoid the relegation dog fight next term.

As for the others, congratulations should go to Manchester United old boys Roy Keane and Steve Bruce for keeping Sunderland and Wigan up and Gareth Southgate should also enjoy his summer hols after securing safety for Middlesbrough and ending the season with that extraordinary 8 - 1 humping of Manchester City.

And what of City? A ninth place finish might be good enough for some owners but not it seems Thaksin Shinawatra who looks set to ditch Sven Goran Eriksson. The Swede though is still leading the club on their tour of Asia and will meet his boss this week sometime. City, like Arsenal, enjoyed a fantastic start to the campaign with Sven’s new signings all doing the business. But despite their historic double over United, their first since about 1834 BC, they too, both as a team and individually, tailed off badly and ended up in a shambolic state at the Riverside.

So what can we expect for next season? The champions (please see above), the Uefa Cup places to be fought out by the likes of Everton, Portsmouth, Villa and Spurs and as for relegation, probably 2 out of the 3 new boys and A.N. Other. Sound familiar?

There will be surprises though. The new Manchester City manager will be named as Pitak Silprasit, currently head coach of the Port Authrority of Thailand football club, Tony Mowbary and Avram Grant will be seen smiling on the same day, Tom Hicks and George Gillett will settle their differences with a drag race through the streets of Toxteth and the FA will realise that their demand that Fabio Capello takes England to semi final in a major competition means that they’ve paid the guy millions of pounds to win one more match than Sven. Roll on August.

Having begun his 2 week mule train trek to Moscow for the Champions League final (all the flights were full of Uefa officials, marketing men and the bloke who’s got the CD with that bloody pre-match music on it) Andy Kay stops off in Cologne to file his latest Oh Kay column.

Russian Rules

It’s often been said that they make the rules up as they go along in Russia. Not that Zenit St Petersburg will mind too much. Having qualified for the Uefa Cup final, the Russian Football Federation has postponed their scheduled league games ahead of the final, leaving them the best part of 2 weeks to prepare. Contrast that with the fortunes of fellow finalist’s Rangers. The quadruple chasing Scots have to play twice ahead of the game (tomorrow and Saturday) having previously played a league game only 2 days ago. After the final, it’s another 3 league games and the Scottish Cup final all in the space on 8 days. Talk about penalising success.

Brucey Bonus

How many points have Birmingham secured in the Premier League since Steve Bruce left the club? 21. And how many points has he taken as manager of Wigan? 32. Are Birmingham going down? Probably. Are Wigan staying up? Definitely. How much did Wigan pay Birmingham for Bruce in compo? £3 million. How much better off will they be remaining in the top flight? £30 million at least. Carlsberg don’t do managerial transfers, but if they did, they’d probably be the best managerial transfers in the world.

Curbing Enthusiasm

Alan Curbishley’s comments that it would be totally unjust if Manchester United didn’t win the league were doubtless honest and heartfelt but poorly timed, coming as they did just a few days before United met West Ham at Old Trafford. The fact that the Hammers were dire on the day too (they lost the 2nd half 1-0 against 10 men) will only have added to the conspiracy theorists. Perhaps it would be best if managers concentrated on their own teams instead of eulogising about others, particularly if you’re going to get thumped 4 - 1. Justifying his comments, Curbishley said that his team would use the game to show the world what they could do. And now we know. Lose badly.

Holloway Blues

Whilst Pymouth fans will still be sniggering about the fate of former boss Ian Hollway, it’s hard not to feel some sympathy for the Leicester manager who saw his team slide in to the 3rd tier of English football for the first time in their history. It was probably an even harder pill to swallow seeing as their relegation was confirmed after a 0 - 0 draw at Stoke City, a club with similar resources, who now find themselves in the Premier League. It’s worth remembering that Holloway was the Foxes 4th permanent boss this season and probably deserves a chance to get them back in the Championship at the first attempt. Whether club chairman Milan Mandaric will give him the opportunity remains to be seen. If not, Holloway could always start a new career offering a programme notes writing service for other managers. In this regard he’s unmatched in the UK.

Fresh from a run in with his gardener when warming down after completing his latest Oh Kay column, Andy Kay demands the CCTV footage before letting fly.

Alex and Carlos

Anyone else surprised by the comments of Sir Alex Ferguson and Carlos Queiroz after Manchester United’s defeat at Chelsea on Saturday? No, thought not. It was all the officials fault you see. No mention of course of the ultra cautious United line up or the fact that the club’s leading scorer started on the bench. Oh no. Quieroz claimed that for United to get a penalty, one of their players would have to be shot. Strange that. I don’t remember any Barca players brandishing a Smith & Wesson or sub-machine gun at the Nou Camp last week. And in that game, United got a penalty in the second minute. As it happens, Ronaldo was only mugged by Ballack at the Bridge, but tussles like that, particularly at corner kicks, are 10 a penny in any game. As for Chelsea’s winning spot kick, Sir Alex would have us believe that Michael Carrick “couldn’t get out of the road.” If that’s the case, he must have the reactions of a geriatric tortoise on Valium as he was a good 10 yards away from the ball when it was crossed. The truth of their demise lies closer to home. Defensive team selection, poor first half display.

Fighting relegation

In the two Heineken Cup semi finals at the weekend, both the underdogs, London Irish and Saracens punched well above their weight before being undone by Toulouse and Munster respectively. In the Premier League, even more can be said of Birmingham, Fulham, Reading and Bolton. All of them had tricky games but none of them folded. Indeed, none of them got beaten. The relegation dog fight has been extended for another week at least. Painful for their supporters but great, if not slightly morbid entertainment for the rest of us.

Mansfield attack

A man has been arrested after the owner of Mansfield Town was attacked following his side’s defeat in a crucial League Two relegation match against Rotherham. Police confirmed they were called to the club’s boardroom just before 5pm on Saturday after an alleged attack on Keith Haslam. He suffered minor head injuries and was released from a local hospital following treatment. A 45-year-old local man was arrested on suspicion of assault. He’s probably basing his defence on the fact that he’s the only bloke from Mansfield who got any shots on target the entire afternoon.

Moscow mugging

You know when an event has serious problems when the UK’s top football writers take a collective pop at it. And that’s the case surrounding the Champions League final. The brilliant Martin Samuels of The Times is the latest journo to take umbrage with the chosen venue of European football’s showpiece club game. Why? Well, here are a few reasons for a start.

1) The names of all fans attending the game must be made known to Uefa within 48 hours of the completion of the semi finals. A logistical nightmare.

2) All travelling fans must have a visa. These will have to be processed, along with travel and accommodation details, in just 9 working days. And if Manchester United prevail to make it an all British final, that’s 43,000 visa applications going through one embassy. Get the overtime payments ready comrade.

3) Standard chain hotels are charging up to £5000 for a 3 night stay.

4) The city has only 35,000 hotel rooms and a cost-of-living survey has rated it the most expensive in the world two years running.

5) As all direct flights are full, the best way now of getting to the game involves a 15 hour train journey and 2 days of travelling each way.

Moscow, of course, follows Athens and Istanbul as recent CL final venues, the capital city of countries that have provided how many finalists in the last 52 years? One.