Having just completed his ‘does anyone miss Ian Wright on the BBC at all’ survey, Andy Kay is back with Oh Kay and a look back on the 2007 / 2008 Premier League season. Derby fans should look away now, a bit like your defence did for the entire campaign.

The right team won the Premier League title, no question.

Most number of points, most goals scored, least goals conceded, outstanding player of the season in Ronaldo and the massive tactical nouse of Sir Alex Ferguson on the touchline. Fittingly, it was Ryan Giggs who lifted the trophy on the day he equalled Bobby Charlton’s 758 game appearance record for the club. What a servant he’s been.

Chelsea though should be congratulated for making the run in exciting and taking it to the final day. Their problems though were encapsulated in the 90 minutes against Bolton. A game they know they should have won, but didn’t. Just like the match a few weeks earlier against Wigan. Although they have the Champions League final to look forward to, they must be thinking ‘what if?

So too Arsene Wenger and Arsenal. His team, so full of fire and vigour for much of the season, were undone by their young legs that couldn’t quite handle the run in. Plenty of encouraging signs for next year though.

As for Liverpool, they continue to frustrate in terms of consistency but they have bought a gem in Fernando Torres. Off the pitch though they need to sort themselves out and quick. A disaster of a sideshow involving the Dubai International capital (DIC) and rowing co-owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett must be resolved in the close season.

But, and here’s the rub, even though it was the closest title race for years, it was in essence just another tear up between the big four. How sustainable, you could ask, is the Premier League as a product if, at the beginning of the season, is a 100% certainty that the Champions will always come from the same quartet?

Everton, for instance, the team in fifth, finished a whopping 22 points behind United, and 11 behind Liverpool in fourth. Portsmouth, Aston Villa, Blackburn, Spurs and Manchester City, apart from their final day debacle all did OK, but never more than that. Oh for some team to step up to the plate and offer us a little bit of variety.

At the other end of the table, Derby aside, the race to avoid the drop was as intense as ever.

Reading and Birmingham City both recorded 4 goal victories on the final day but to no avail with Roy Hodgson guiding his Fulham team to an astonishing escape by winning three consecutive Premier League away matches in succession, a feat never before achieved by the London club. The return to fitness of Jimmy Bullard was key to their survival but owner Mohamed Al Fayed knows he’ll need to dip in to his personal fortune if Fulham are to avoid the relegation dog fight next term.

As for the others, congratulations should go to Manchester United old boys Roy Keane and Steve Bruce for keeping Sunderland and Wigan up and Gareth Southgate should also enjoy his summer hols after securing safety for Middlesbrough and ending the season with that extraordinary 8 – 1 humping of Manchester City.

And what of City? A ninth place finish might be good enough for some owners but not it seems Thaksin Shinawatra who looks set to ditch Sven Goran Eriksson. The Swede though is still leading the club on their tour of Asia and will meet his boss this week sometime. City, like Arsenal, enjoyed a fantastic start to the campaign with Sven’s new signings all doing the business. But despite their historic double over United, their first since about 1834 BC, they too, both as a team and individually, tailed off badly and ended up in a shambolic state at the Riverside.

So what can we expect for next season? The champions (please see above), the Uefa Cup places to be fought out by the likes of Everton, Portsmouth, Villa and Spurs and as for relegation, probably 2 out of the 3 new boys and A.N. Other. Sound familiar?

There will be surprises though. The new Manchester City manager will be named as Pitak Silprasit, currently head coach of the Port Authrority of Thailand football club, Tony Mowbary and Avram Grant will be seen smiling on the same day, Tom Hicks and George Gillett will settle their differences with a drag race through the streets of Toxteth and the FA will realise that their demand that Fabio Capello takes England to semi final in a major competition means that they’ve paid the guy millions of pounds to win one more match than Sven. Roll on August.

Having begun his 2 week mule train trek to Moscow for the Champions League final (all the flights were full of Uefa officials, marketing men and the bloke who’s got the CD with that bloody pre-match music on it) Andy Kay stops off in Cologne to file his latest Oh Kay column.

Russian Rules

It’s often been said that they make the rules up as they go along in Russia. Not that Zenit St Petersburg will mind too much. Having qualified for the Uefa Cup final, the Russian Football Federation has postponed their scheduled league games ahead of the final, leaving them the best part of 2 weeks to prepare. Contrast that with the fortunes of fellow finalist’s Rangers. The quadruple chasing Scots have to play twice ahead of the game (tomorrow and Saturday) having previously played a league game only 2 days ago. After the final, it’s another 3 league games and the Scottish Cup final all in the space on 8 days. Talk about penalising success.

Brucey Bonus

How many points have Birmingham secured in the Premier League since Steve Bruce left the club? 21. And how many points has he taken as manager of Wigan? 32. Are Birmingham going down? Probably. Are Wigan staying up? Definitely. How much did Wigan pay Birmingham for Bruce in compo? £3 million. How much better off will they be remaining in the top flight? £30 million at least. Carlsberg don’t do managerial transfers, but if they did, they’d probably be the best managerial transfers in the world.

Curbing Enthusiasm

Alan Curbishley’s comments that it would be totally unjust if Manchester United didn’t win the league were doubtless honest and heartfelt but poorly timed, coming as they did just a few days before United met West Ham at Old Trafford. The fact that the Hammers were dire on the day too (they lost the 2nd half 1-0 against 10 men) will only have added to the conspiracy theorists. Perhaps it would be best if managers concentrated on their own teams instead of eulogising about others, particularly if you’re going to get thumped 4 – 1. Justifying his comments, Curbishley said that his team would use the game to show the world what they could do. And now we know. Lose badly.

Holloway Blues

Whilst Pymouth fans will still be sniggering about the fate of former boss Ian Hollway, it’s hard not to feel some sympathy for the Leicester manager who saw his team slide in to the 3rd tier of English football for the first time in their history. It was probably an even harder pill to swallow seeing as their relegation was confirmed after a 0 - 0 draw at Stoke City, a club with similar resources, who now find themselves in the Premier League. It’s worth remembering that Holloway was the Foxes 4th permanent boss this season and probably deserves a chance to get them back in the Championship at the first attempt. Whether club chairman Milan Mandaric will give him the opportunity remains to be seen. If not, Holloway could always start a new career offering a programme notes writing service for other managers. In this regard he’s unmatched in the UK.

Fresh from a run in with his gardener when warming down after completing his latest Oh Kay column, Andy Kay demands the CCTV footage before letting fly.

Alex and Carlos

Anyone else surprised by the comments of Sir Alex Ferguson and Carlos Queiroz after Manchester United’s defeat at Chelsea on Saturday? No, thought not. It was all the officials fault you see. No mention of course of the ultra cautious United line up or the fact that the club’s leading scorer started on the bench. Oh no. Quieroz claimed that for United to get a penalty, one of their players would have to be shot. Strange that. I don’t remember any Barca players brandishing a Smith & Wesson or sub-machine gun at the Nou Camp last week. And in that game, United got a penalty in the second minute. As it happens, Ronaldo was only mugged by Ballack at the Bridge, but tussles like that, particularly at corner kicks, are 10 a penny in any game. As for Chelsea’s winning spot kick, Sir Alex would have us believe that Michael Carrick “couldn’t get out of the road.” If that’s the case, he must have the reactions of a geriatric tortoise on Valium as he was a good 10 yards away from the ball when it was crossed. The truth of their demise lies closer to home. Defensive team selection, poor first half display.

Fighting relegation

In the two Heineken Cup semi finals at the weekend, both the underdogs, London Irish and Saracens punched well above their weight before being undone by Toulouse and Munster respectively. In the Premier League, even more can be said of Birmingham, Fulham, Reading and Bolton. All of them had tricky games but none of them folded. Indeed, none of them got beaten. The relegation dog fight has been extended for another week at least. Painful for their supporters but great, if not slightly morbid entertainment for the rest of us.

Mansfield attack

A man has been arrested after the owner of Mansfield Town was attacked following his side’s defeat in a crucial League Two relegation match against Rotherham. Police confirmed they were called to the club’s boardroom just before 5pm on Saturday after an alleged attack on Keith Haslam. He suffered minor head injuries and was released from a local hospital following treatment. A 45-year-old local man was arrested on suspicion of assault. He’s probably basing his defence on the fact that he’s the only bloke from Mansfield who got any shots on target the entire afternoon.

Moscow mugging

You know when an event has serious problems when the UK’s top football writers take a collective pop at it. And that’s the case surrounding the Champions League final. The brilliant Martin Samuels of The Times is the latest journo to take umbrage with the chosen venue of European football’s showpiece club game. Why? Well, here are a few reasons for a start.

1) The names of all fans attending the game must be made known to Uefa within 48 hours of the completion of the semi finals. A logistical nightmare.

2) All travelling fans must have a visa. These will have to be processed, along with travel and accommodation details, in just 9 working days. And if Manchester United prevail to make it an all British final, that’s 43,000 visa applications going through one embassy. Get the overtime payments ready comrade.

3) Standard chain hotels are charging up to £5000 for a 3 night stay.

4) The city has only 35,000 hotel rooms and a cost-of-living survey has rated it the most expensive in the world two years running.

5) As all direct flights are full, the best way now of getting to the game involves a 15 hour train journey and 2 days of travelling each way.

Moscow, of course, follows Athens and Istanbul as recent CL final venues, the capital city of countries that have provided how many finalists in the last 52 years? One. And Uefa says it cares about football and its fans. нет это не делает. That’s ‘no it doesn’t’ in Russian Mr Platini, in case you were wondering.

Andy Kay dons his Avram Grant face mask, gets all grumpy and has another moan in Oh Kay.

Wright move

So Ian Wright no longer wants to work at the BBC as a football pundit. The former Arsenal striker claims that his role wasn’t that of an expert but more of a ‘comedy jester’. Bit harsh on comedy jesters if you ask me. Wright never had much to say of any gravitas and what he did spout forth was usually patriotic but excitable drivel delivered with sparing use of the English language. The truth is that with the BBC losing the rights to live England games and the FA Cup to ITV, Wright wasn’t going to get any work anyway. He wasn’t even part of the team covering Euro 2008. He’ll be much more at home presenting his new show ‘Gladiators’ on Sky One. Wright says he wants to connect with his audience. Bearing in mind that anyone watching such utter tosh is bound to brain dead, looks like he’ll get his wish.

Scottish (sweet) FA

Officials at the Scottish FA more than lived up to their initials last week when the Celtic player Gary Caldwell found out he was banned for the weekend match against Aberdeen after watching Sky Sports News. Caldwell was involved in a flare up with David Weir of Rangers after the Old Firm derby the previous Wednesday. The referee said he was reporting the players for violent conduct. Trouble is, no-one from the SFA bothered to tell the club. A spokesman said “The onus is on the club to get in contact with the SFA and not the other way round, because you can imagine if it was our job to phone around all the clubs in Scotland, it would be a huge task.” Amazingly, if you check out the Scottish FA’s web site, it announces that they have no vacancies. Perhaps there might be one – someone to explain to them what an ‘email’ is, or indeed to suggest that they could replace the ‘vacancies’ section with a list of banned players. With just 42 Senior League clubs, 57 if you count the Highland League, that should take all of about 5 minutes a week.

Do what Gary?

Needing all the help he can get at the wrong end of the Premier League, Gary Megson called on Rafa Benitez to “protect the integrity of the Premier League with his squad selection” ahead of the game at Fulham. Benitez didn’t listen of course and his team with 8 changes, ahead of the CL tie with Chelsea, was still good enough to win. The interesting thing here is Megson’s choice of words Protect the integrity of the competition!! You mean, just like he did in the Uefa Cup when he named a team of second stringers and no hopers to face Sporting Lisbon because he had an important league match against Wigan a few days later?

Johnno

We don’t normally feature egg chasers on Footy Boots but the appointment of Martin Johnson as England head honcho merits a few lines. Notwithstanding the shabby treatment of Brian Ashton (no £2 million McClaren type pay out for him) Johnson is most rugby fans choice for the gig. He has no experience but he’s a winner and players and supporters like winners. However, he won’t be with the team when they tour New Zealand this summer. Johnno wants to stay at home as Mrs J is expecting. Admittedly, there were complications when she last gave birth but, just imagine for a moment, that after the FA had appointed Fabio Capello, they announced that he wouldn’t be available for England’s first two World Cup qualifying games due to family reasons. There’d have been uproar. Brian Barwick would never have had to buy firewood again due to the amount of stick that would have come his way. Not the RFU’s greatest hour.

In this week’s Oh Kay, our correspondent Andy Kay hits the target as surely as Tal Ben-Haim’s boot did with Petr Cech’s face.

Anthem

The Welsh minister for sport, Rhodri Glyn Thomas (no, I’ve never heard of him either) is the latest politician climbing on to the back of sport trying to garner some reflected glory. Mr Thomas wants Land of My fathers to be played alongside God Save The Queen at the FA Cup final when Cardiff City meet Portsmouth. Personally, I don’t think it should happen. Whilst the two teams might come from different sides of the Severn Bridge, it’s the English FA Cup Final. However, if the FA decides to run with the idea, perhaps there ought to be a reciprocal agreement? How about, as building sites, offices and the Welsh Assembly open for business in the Principality, that God Save The Queen is played at 9am every Monday morning bearing in mind that it’s money from the English Exchequer that funds 90% of the place.

Arsenal

So Arsenal are out of the Premier League title race following their 2 – 1 defeat at Manchester United. Arsene Wenger though should be proud of the way his team performed, not only at Old Trafford but also at Anfield in midweek. OK, match officials may have cost them, certainly in Europe, but as far as a conspiracy is concerned, as Wenger suggested on Sunday, it just doesn’t hold water. The facts are that wonderfully entertaining though they’ve been, the Gunners failed to turn draws in to wins and when the going really got tough, Wenger must have realised that his squad just wasn’t big enough to cope. He may be upset at a number of refereeing decisions across the season but it was his decision not to sign anyone in the January transfer window which is probably the telling factor behind their demise.

Liverpool Board. We are.

Just what is going on at Anfield? The plot is so ridiculous it would have been rejected by the script writers down the road at Hollyoaks. The two owners have fallen out, one wants Rick Parry to resign as chief executive, Jurgen Klinsmann’s been approached (allegedly) to take over from Rafael Benitez and the DIC is still waiting in the wings to buy the club. That said, have you noticed how fantastically well Liverpool have been playing of late? Benitez is no mug and while he says he and the team are fully focussed on football, there’s no-one better at using ‘siege mentality’ to his advantage. It’s said that the boardroom battle might not be settled until after the season has finished. The manager might just like that.

Nicknames

Can someone please tell a number of TV commentators, particularly Andy Gray, that players on the pitch should be addressed with their proper names. For example, Steven Gerrard is Steven Gerrard and John Terry is John Terry. They are not Stevie G or JT. Steve McClaren got hammered for being too close to the players and so should the men behind the microphones. I can’t see Jeremy Paxman welcoming the Prime Minister to Newsnight with the opening gambit “Evening Gordo.” Whilst Gray and his ilk may well know the players personally, the vast majority of the TV audience do not and it’s us who they are talking to not their mates in the studio.

Unlike Everton’s Yakubu against Derby County, Andy Kay fires home from 6 yards in another OhKay ! special.

Romance of the Cup

For years now, the pundits and experts have been banging on about how the FA Cup has lost its romance, becoming far too predictable and dominated by the big four. This season’s competition has certainly been very different with some outstanding performances from lower league teams. And now we know that the final on 17th May will be between Portsmouth and Cardiff. Well that should keep them happy. Tons of romance there. And, with apologies to Pompey and Barnsley fans, about as much glamour as Wayne Rooney dancing Swan Lake in the all together.

Too much Gray

Do you think Sky Sports are trying too hard to get the best out of Andy Gray? The other day on ‘The Last Word’ Gray spent nearly 5 minutes explaining how Liverpool scored their goal in the Merseyside derby against Everton. As well as giving us the benefit of his views on the subject, Gray illustrated his lecture (for that is what is was) with computer graphics, arrows, circles, slow motion, super slow motion, cuddly toys, the lot. Now, here’s my 10 second version of the above;

Richard Keys: So Andy, how did Liverpool score?

Andy Kay: Well Richard, Yakubu had the ball on the edge of his own area and instead of laying it off down the left, he turned back in side, got robbed, and Kuyt fed Torres who scored. Er, that’s it. Fancy a cuppa?

Ladies day

After seeing some of the outfits on display at Aintree last week, isn’t about time that the Premier League followed the lead of some of this country’s great race tracks and introduced a Ladies Day during the season. All the girls could get dressed up in highly inappropriate gear, drink a bit of bubbly before kick off and spout forth about that bloke’s ‘lovely legs’ whilst the players, single ones we assume, although these days you never know, could have a good old gander to see which ones have got WAG potential. Not sure it would improve the football on offer but if it’s a dull game, at least we fans will have other stuff to look at.

David DIY Bentley

Congratulations should go to Blackburn and England midfielder David Bentley who, according to the Daily Mail, bucks the trend of the modern day player when it comes to working round the house. Bentley, it appears, is something of a DIY enthusiast and told the paper “I’ve been taking up tiles and knocking down walls, mending the potholes on my drive. I’ve got a strict DIY 24-hour ban before a match because it tires you out.” Perhaps the Mail should enquire as to whether Derby manager Paul Jewell has a squad of DIY’ers at Pride Park. It might explain a great deal.

More celebrated than the Johnstone’s Paint trophy, Andy Kay takes aim with another Oh Kay broadside.

Attacking Keegan

A lot has been written about Kevin Keegan since he returned to take up the reins at Newcastle United. Not very much of it has been positive and we’ve even had a couple of digs at the guy on Footy Boots. But you have to admire his spirit by naming a side to play Spurs at the weekend which included Mark Viduka, Michael Owen and Obefami Martins. After securing the first win of his new tenure against Fulham 8 days earlier, you might have expected him to play safe at WHL. Not a bit of it. Keegan just doesn’t do dull. Instead, he sends out a team with more attacking intent than a charging bull elephant and watches them battle back from a goal behind to score 4 times in the Premier League for the first time in about 2 years. He may not be the greatest tactician in the game but when things go right, he doesn’t half know how to entertain.

Downward Derby

You have to congratulate the marketing bods at Pride Park. Derby County may have become the first team in the history of the Premier League to have been relegated in March, but click on to the club’s website and you’ll find your chance to buy 2008 / 09 season tickets under the banner ‘The Journey Starts Now’. It certainly does – to the likes of Preston, Sheffield and Cardiff.

Beckham cooked

After winning his 100th cap against France last week, David Beckham jetted back to the USA to turn out for LA Galaxy against the Colorado Rapids in the MLS. Beckham’s team were hammered 4 – nil with the architect of their demise, a former Manchester United player called Terry Cooke. Remember him? No, thought not. Cooke came through the Old Trafford academy but only played 8 games for the club before embarking on a career with Sunderland, Birmingham City, Wrexham, Manchester City, Wigan Athletic, Sheffield Wednesday, Grimsby Town and Wednesday again before signing for Colorado in 2005. Good to know that Becks is still testing himself against the best.

Washing up offside

A near disaster in the Kay household was averted at the weekend when, after a dinner party, my wife suggested that I should wash up as I was “standing near the sink.” Indeed I was, but as I explained in relation to the washing up offside law, this meant diddly squat. True, I was adjacent to the dirty plates and the scrubbing brush but as I was drinking a large vodka, this in fact meant that my position was ‘passive’ and could in no way be construed with ‘interfering with the crockery’. Instead, as she had approached the kitchen from a northerly direction, was the last person to use the Fairy Liquid and had rested the rubber gloves over the cold rather than the hot tap I argued that it was she who was liable for all washing up duties for the foreseeable future. A full explanation of the washing up offside law is available from this column, just address your letters to Oh Kay, c/o Mr S. Blatter, Fifa, Zurich.

If you are of a nervous disposition, Welsh or French, this week’s Oh Kay column might be one to avoid. L’enfant terrible Andy Kay is back on the warpath.

Naughty, naughty

England boss Fabio Capello says he’s squarely behind the FA’s ‘respect the referee’ initiative after watching the fun and games following Ashley Cole’s tackle on Alan Hutton in the Chelsea v Spurs game last week. Cole, at least, has had the good sense to apologise for both the tackle and his attitude towards referee Mike Riley. More and more Premier League players seem to be treating the man in black as an annoyance, rather like a large bluebottle buzzing around the family car on the M1, as opposed to the guy in charge. I fear it’s too late for current league players, and although the FA’s move is a welcome one, it doesn’t go far enough. Starting at junior level, one bit of lip to the ref, and the player, and his team, should be marched back 10 metres just as they practice in rugby union. Even more important is to include the raucous parents who scream obscenities from the touchline. Perhaps their enthusiasm to question a referee’s parentage might be somewhat tamed if little Johnny gets a 3 match ban as a result.

Cameras on Cardiff

I’ve got absolutely nothing against Cardiff City but here’s a little scenario for you. It’s the 89th minute of the FA Cup semi final and City’s match against Barnsley is level a 1 – 1. The Yorkshire side make the last attack of the game and a cross from Brian Howard is headed goalwards by substitute Jonathan Macken. The goalkeeper is beaten but a City defender, rushing towards his own line, manages to hook the ball clear. Or does he? Barnsley’s players claim the goal and start celebrating, their dream of an FA Cup final appearance now seemingly a reality. TV pictures prove that in fact, the ball didn’t cross the line but after consulting his assistant, the referee awards Barnsley the goal and blows the whistle for full time. I wonder then if the nonentities that make up the Welsh FA will still be happy with their inexplicable and cowardly decision to suck up to Fifa and oppose goal line technology?

Nosey Michel

Talking of which, one of the architects of the Fifa and Uefa U-turn on goal line technology was Michel Platini. He may have been a glorious player in his day but currently, he shows all the executive skills of a small vole with learning problems. And he just can’t keep his nose out of the British game, criticising this and having a pop at that. Perhaps Monsieur Platini should look closer to home if he wants to effect change. Consider these facts. Eight games in his native France on Saturday produced crowds of 160,000. Eight games in the Premier League on the same day were watched by 243,000 fans….and that’s with none of the big 4 in action. Perhaps that’s the problem. The only reason Platini feels the need to take issue with the game in England is that he realises that no-one gives a flying fig for Ligue 1.

Champion Channel

With ITV retaining the rights to show Champions League football on a Wednesday night, us UK football fans will be assured of some consistency. That being while Arsenal or Chelsea may be away to a top Italian side looking to hang on to a one goal advantage, good old ITV will be showing Manchester United at home to a rubbish French team who they’ve already beaten 16 – nil in the away leg. Got to keep the locals happy….in Surrey!

Much to the annoyance of media referee’s, Andy Kay goes in with all studs showing in another hard hitting OhKay! column.

Ramos blind spot?

What is it about the water in North London? Ask Arsene Wenger to comment on a contentious incident concerning one of his players and the Frenchman will nearly always state that ‘he didn’t see it’. Now it seems his opposite number at Spurs has been similarly affected. After substituting Robbie Keane during the defeat to Manchester City, the Irishman cursed his way to the touchline as was less than respectful when handed his tracksuit. Ramos claimed that all this passed him by. But you can bet your bottom dollar that the Tottenham boss was all too aware of what went on. Keane might well have a hangover this week not directly related to St Patricks day.

Holloway rant

The Leicester boss Ian Holloway has apologised to fans who may have heard him fire off a few expletives to a supporter who gave the Foxes manager a verbal blast during the nil – nil draw with Bristol City. Holloway wears his heart on his sleeve and being in charge of a struggling team it’s perhaps understandable that he let rip when being called an idiot from the stands. As it happens, most of the home supporters agreed with him and told the abusive fan to sit down and belt up. And following their impressive 4 – 1 win away to promotion chasing West Brom this past weekend, I wonder who feels the bigger idiot now?

Spanish must take action

What have Juande Ramos and the Athletic Bilbao goalkeeper Armando got in common? Answer, they’ve both been injured by bottles thrown by supporters at Real Betis. Ramos, then the manager of Sevilla, was knocked out last season during a Kings Cup game at the Manuel Ruiz de Lopera stadium. The match was abandoned and the remaining 33 minutes were played at another ground. Betis were also handed a 3 match stadium ban. But that punishment doesn’t seem to have the desired effect after Armando was injured in a similar fashion this weekend. Although the perpetrator was immediately held and will be prevented from watching Betis again, the Spanish FA must take action. If stadium bans don’t work, then they should hit the clubs where it hurts most – in the points column. Let’s see if they, like a few undesirable fans, have the bottle.

Best gig of the week

Surely this prize must go to Fabio Capello’s assistant Franco Baldini who undertook a 10,000 mile round trip to assess the form of David Beckham who played all 90 minutes of a charity game for LA Galaxy against FC Dallas. What did Baldini learn? Not much probably. But he did wonders for his Air Miles balance.

Another week and another about turn from the man in charge of global football and massive rant from Sir Alex. Andy Kay lights the blue touch paper and retreats to a safe distance.

Blatter nonsense

How much does Sepp Blatter cost Fifa in travel expenses? Probably quite a lot bearing in mind they have to fly him down to earth from the planet Tharg or wherever it is he inhabits when not at his Zurich office. This week the man who has previously suggested that women players wear tighter shorts and that reckless tackles result in lifetime bans for the players responsible has come out with another bewildering U-turn. Not that long ago, Blatter was all in favour of Great Britain entering men’s and women’s teams for the 2012 Olympics for which they qualify as hosts. So advanced were negotiations that Lord Sebastian Coe had apparently approached Sir Alex Ferguson to manage the men’s side. Now, he’s totally changed his position saying that the four Home Nations risk losing their individual status if they try and move forward with the idea. Perhaps the atmosphere in deep space does funny things to the brain, provided of course, you’ve got one to begin with.

Bus Howler

Sitting on a bus after finishing a commentary stint at a major sports event on Saturday, I was keen to find out who had won the two FA Cup quarter finals that day. As luck would have it, the next person who jumped on board was a British journalist from a national newspaper. He informed me that Barnsley had beaten Chelsea and that Portsmouth had dumped out Manchester United. He also added that Scotland had won the Calcutta Cup against England. The bus was full of sports fans and other commentators who upon hearing the news, burst out laughing and called the poor man every name under the sun. Whoops!

Colour blind Fergie

Having subsequently watched the game between Manchester United and Portsmouth, I wonder if Sepp Blatter’s travel costs might not be as high as I first thought bearing in mind that he probably shares some form of extra-planetary craft with Sir Alex. The reason for United’s loss to Pompey, the great man explained to us, was that referee Martin Atkinson “didn’t do his job properly.” Ah, that explains it then. The fact that United battered Portsmouth for the entire game and missed a hatful of chances obviously doesn’t enter in to it. To be honest, they could have upped sticks and played the match in a dodgy part of Amsterdam and Fergie’s men would still have struggled to score. Atkinson might not have had the best game in history but in terms of not doing jobs properly, Sir Alex could have mentioned half a dozen blokes in red as well as the man in black.  

Chatting to the Beeb

So delighted was he at Portsmouth’s victory at Old Trafford that Harry Redknapp ended his self imposed exile from the BBC interview area and spoke to the corporation for the first time in a long time. Not so Fergie who continued to wash his hands of the FA Cup rights holders and once again sent out his number 2 to face the music. This all stems from a 2004 BBC 3 documentary which wasn’t very complimentary about the transfer dealings of his Jason. Amazing isn’t it that he’s held a grudge for 4 years against BBC Sport who had nothing to do with the programme? Bearing in mind the millions of pounds they’ve paid to cover live FA Cup matches, not to mention Premier League highlights, isn’t it even more extraordinary that the Football Association and Richard Scudamore haven’t instructed Ferguson to grow up, stop acting like a 5 year old child and start towing the line. What’s he going to do if, during the next home game, the opposition are winning with a few minutes to go? Run on the pitch saying “it’s my ball and you can’t play with it anymore?” It’s about time that Ferguson, being a Knight of the realm, started to act like one.  

In the week that 41 year old Teddy Sheringham announces his retirement, 44 year old Andy Kay, showing excellent fitness, continues a pace with another OhKay special.

Ta Ta Teddy

For the past 26 seasons, one name has seemingly popped up on a team sheet somewhere in the country. From Millwall to Manchester, Portsmouth to Colchester and a few others in between, Teddy Sheringham has been an English footballing constant. However the former England International who turns 42 next month has decided that this season will be his last. Never blessed with any great pace, Sheringham reached the top courtesy of an amazing football brain which gave him the ability to find space and time anywhere on the pitch. As for his greatest moments, there’s the destruction of Holland at Euro ’96, his Champions League final equaliser which set up victory for Manchester United against Bayern Munich plus my own personal favourite, being called Edward for a year by Brian Clough whilst at Nottingham Forest.

Do you want a bow on it Mark?

When Kevin Keegan returned to Newcastle United, a number of commentators warned the Toon Army to stand by for a brand of kamikaze football. They certainly got that at the weekend. Having dominated the game against Blackburn Rovers and pressing for the win, United got caught at the back by a classic counter attack and Rovers took full advantage of a 2 against 1 situation to snatch a winner in the last minute. Keegan bemoaned his luck and said that Rovers had “stolen the points.” OK, his side did miss a hatful of chances but, when you are being dragged down dangerously near the relegation places and have shipped 9 goals in your previous 2 Premier League matches, perhaps leaving just one defender at the back in the final few seconds wasn’t the brightest idea. Kamikaze, by the way, is a Japanese word, normally translated as ‘divine wind’, believed to be a gift from the gods. But then Blackburn boss Mark Hughes probably knew that already.

Fergie going for gold

Sir Alex Ferguson has apparently been tapped up by Lord Coe to manage a Great Britain side at the 2012 Olympics. Britain hasn’t fielded a team at the Games since 1960 but they qualify automatically in 4 years time as hosts. There are a number of political issues to sort out, particularly with the SFA, and it won’t go unnoticed that Euro 2012 will have been in full swing just a few weeks before the Games begin which could lead to further calls of player burnout. But all that aside, plus the fact that the Premier League will start just a few days after the Games conclude, Coe’s choice is intriguing as is the concept of picking a truly representative GB team. Using today’s players and with at least one from each country in the starting XI, here’s mine:

Craig Gordon (SCO)

Alan Hutton (SCO) Rio Ferdinand (ENG) Jonathan Woodgate (ENG) Gareth Bale (WAL)

James McFadden (SCO) Steve Gerrard (ENG) Jason Koumas (WAL) Joe Cole (Eng)

Wayne Rooney (ENG) David Healy (NIR)

Send your comments or questions to OhKay@footy-boots.com

He sinks his teeth into the topical football stories quicker than Drogba goes down after a tap on the ankle, Andy Kay puts football straight in this weeks OhKay!

Scudamore on Hiding to Nothing

Richard Scudamore flies out to meet Sepp Blatter this week as he tries to persuade the FIFA President that his idea for a ‘39th international round’ of matches in the Premier League is a good one.

Bearing in mind that Blatter has already stated that “this will never happen while I run FIFA”, he’s probably got a bit of a job on his hands. Indeed, not only do FIFA not like the plans but UEFA, the FA and Football League aren’t keen, Liverpool and Manchester United have expressed concerns, cities around the world offering to stage matches have been conspicuous by their absence and even the man who came up with the idea, former British Airways boss Sir Rod Eddington from the sports mad city of Melbourne has said that he doesn’t think the proposal will get any further. And when an airline executive tells you an idea isn’t gonna fly, it’s best to take stock and listen.

Not so Scudamore who insists that the 39th round is still at the exploratory stage. Fine. If he wants to spend even more time exploring just how many more people and organisations hate the idea then so be it. But perhaps he could better spend his time investigating just why so many individuals in the game have given such a negative reaction. A place to start, maybe, is his own assumption that everyone on the planet wants to see yet more Premier League action as it’s “the best league in the world.” As one critic put it recently “the Premier League is about 4 teams trying to win the title and the other 14 trying to avoid relegation.” Quite.

Wenger went too far

We’ve all come out and said things we’ve regretted in the heat of the moment as Arsene Wenger demonstrated at the weekend. Angered by the foul and horrible injury to Eduardo, Wenger said that Martin Taylor should “never play football again.” However, Wenger realising that he’d gone too far had the good grace to retract his comments later on in the day admitting they were “excessive.” Grabbing the managers for quotes and interviews straight after a game may make for good copy or entertaining TV, but invariably, they come out with a load of old twaddle. Much better to wait for the dust to settle and then approach them. They’ll probably make a lot more sense.

Gazza in Need

Everyone in the game seems to be genuinely saddened by the sectioning of Paul Gascoigne under the Mental Health Act. Some famous names have been quick to offer help and support and that’s been good to see. Admittedly, Gazza hasn’t helped himself since retiring but then again, too many people closely associated with the former England international haven’t exactly done too much for him either.

As his former England boss Graham Taylor put it “he would give people the last penny in his pocket but I know round about him for many years, there have been many people who have taken the last penny from his pocket.”

Having battled addiction and health problems over the past few years, it’s reassuring to know that Gascoigne is getting professional help. When he gets released, ready again to face the world, its then we’ll see who his real friends are and what they are prepared to do by him.

Britain in UEFA Cup
Congratulations to Spurs, Everton, Rangers and Bolton for reaching the last 16 of the UEFA Cup. But it’s a real shame that Bolton’s achievements in particular were over shadowed by the actions of the Spanish police before, during and after their nil – nil draw at Athletico Madrid. David Lea, Chief Superintendant of Greater Manchester Police, who was at the game, said the Spanish officers were “very heavy handed” and “far too quick to use their batons”. Worryingly for UEFA, a Spanish police spokesman said the problems were “just the usual at any football game”. If that’s the case, I think I’ll stick to watching La Liga at home on the TV and risk incurring the wrath of the Mrs, especially now I’ve hidden the rolling pin.

Send your comments or questions to OhKay@footy-boots.com

Nani is tamed when Andy Kay showboats his football opinions…..

Liverpool’s owners should put their football boots on

A significant group of Liverpool fans remained behind at Anfield on Saturday following the surprise FA Cup defeat by Barnsley, chanting ‘Yanks Out …Now’. There’s no doubt that the ownership of Tom Hicks and George Gillett isn’t proving a marriage made in heaven but The Kop might want to consider the bigger picture.

1) Liverpool are 5th in the Premier League while Barnsley are 14th in the Championship.

2) The Yorkshire club have the worst away record in their league, with just 1 win from 16 games.

3) Barnsley’s goal difference is -12, the second worst in the Championship.

Rather than chanting for the owners to walk away, perhaps it might make more sense to encourage them to stay and indeed, pull on their football boots. Surely, even two Americans, who call the game ‘soccer’ couldn’t have done a worse job than Lucas, Babel, Kuyt and co.

Who needs a ‘39th game’ to grow the game?

Even the Reading chairman John Madejski has admitted that the Premier League’s plans for a ‘39th round’ are in tatters. Good. Apart from his fellow chairman and the PL chief Richard Scudamore, it’s been hard to find anyone in the game in favour of this shameful, money grabbing scheme. If Mr Scudamore is keen to grow the global brand of his organisation, perhaps getting the players to regularly donate a tiny fraction of their ludicrously inflated salaries to world wide children’s charities might be a better idea. Even Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini would have a job to argue against that one.

Calamity James is a ‘Role Model’

Women always moan that getting older is easier on men. David James is living proof. The 37 year old is back as England’s number one and is playing out of his skin for Harry Redknapp at Portsmouth. Over his career, he’s made his fair share of gaffes, both on and off the pitch (the white suit for the 1996 FA Cup final being a case in point), but he’s as fit as he’s ever been, seemingly more reliable and talks an awful lot of sense when he puts his mind to it. There are more than a few young pro’s who could do a lot better by using James as a role model – dodgy former haircuts aside.

Coleman’s Mustard !

Good luck to Chris Coleman who looks like he’ll be taking over at Coventry City anytime now. After his experiences at Real Sociedad, where political infighting was rife, getting to grips with a side that’s just been hammered
5 – nil at home in the FA Cup will be a breeze. Managing in Spain will have been a huge learning experience for the genial Welshman and he’ll be a better coach for it. The Sky Blues have got themselves a top man.

Send your comments or questions to OhKay@footy-boots.com

Andy Kay attacks the mercenary powers taking ‘our’ football overseas for the ‘39th match’. 

It was interesting to note that the first club chairman to back the idea of the Premier League’s overseas ‘39th match’ plans was Birmingham’s David Gold. “This idea is very worthy of consideration and I find it amazingly exciting” he said. Don’t you find that a little strange bearing in mind that in all probability it’s a game that City, if indeed they are still in the top flight come the 2010 / 11 season, will probably lose? Is Mr Gold really excited about watching his side playing one of the Premier League big boys in LA, Bangkok or Dubai? Or is he getting all tingly thinking about how much cash his club might make from this grubby little venture……actually, grubby big venture.

For that is exactly what this is all about – bucks, yen, rand etc. It’s certainly not about finding out which team is the best over an extended 39 game season.  Using the current league table, here’s a look into one possible future……

With the top teams being kept apart, Manchester United draw Spurs in a game to be played in Los Angeles. At the same time, Arsenal get Bolton Wanderers in Dubai. United and Spurs fight out a 1 – 1 draw. There are chances galore, fantastic open football and a full stadium to boot.

Everyone in the stands, including the Premier League officials go home happy. Meanwhile, Arsenal hammer Bolton 4 – nil in a one sided encounter in which there are chances galore, fantastic open football and a full stadium…..you get the picture. At the end of the season, Arsenal pip United to the title by a single point. Now ask yourself this question….are Arsenal worthy champions? Of course they aren’t. They’ve enjoyed an extra game against a struggling team while United have come up against a side with much more quality. Equally, if Bolton get relegated on goal difference I doubt they’ll be too chuffed either. And should Birmingham finish second from bottom, 2 points from safety stemming from a 3 – 1 defeat to Liverpool in Cape Town I’ll bet David Gold won’t be as excited as he claims to be now.

And that’s the problem. Richard Scudamore keeps on telling us that the Premier League is a global brand. He’s wrong. It’s not. Manchester United, Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool as individual clubs may be with Everton, Spurs and a few others a couple of rungs down the global ladder. But Fulham, Birmingham City, Middlesbrough, Bolton and Reading. Just where, Mr Scudamore, do they stand in your global reasoning?

However they rig the games on this magical mystery tour, there are going to be some mid table match up’s and possibly a couple of relegation 6 pointers. I’m not sure I’d be overly interested to watch Sunderland v Fulham, let alone spending a month’s wages doing so if I was a Chinese factory worker in Shanghai – another of the potential venues being touted around.

This idea of course is not new. NBA, NHL and NFL games have already taken place in foreign climbs and baseball isn’t too far behind planning matches in Beijing for later this year. The big difference though is that these leagues are ‘closed shops’.  There’s no promotion or relegation. So if two teams have to play abroad in one season, it’ll be two other teams who’ll have to do so the next. Plus, they are games that have to be played anyway being part, as they are, of the regular season.

What the Premier League is proposing is totally different.

The plan is yet to be endorsed and it’ll be interesting to see what the European and World governing bodies have to say about it. But you can be sure of this. If it means more money on the table, club owners, chairman and chief execs will pursue it with a passion.

Get your passports up to date….you’re going to need to.

Send your comments or questions to OhKay@footy-boots.com